I know I’ll get a ton of shit for this. I’ll get downvotes and hate. But I have to post this because I’m going insane and have to get it off my chest.

My wife had a best friend named Amber. The first time I met her was when she was getting married and I immediately became infatuated with her. But because she was my wife’s best friend I kept a respectful distance but always looked forward to seeing her.

I looked forward to the small moments when my wife and her husband would be cooking and she and I would talk or we would play Mario Kart together. Over the course of five years I fell in love with her. I mean truly head over heels in love with her. But i never did anything about it because I’m married and Amber was my wife’s best friend (and also married).

Then the pandemic hit and everyone lost their god damned minds at the beginning of it. Amber became super anxious and depressed and started ketamine therapy. I was doing a lot of drugs and, I later found out, was hypomanic because I now know I’m BiPolar2.

Amber and I started texting. We talked about depression and what was going on in the world. Then we talked about how unhappy we really were in our marriages. She had been divorced and quickly got into a new relationship (who she was marrying when I met her). I did almost the same thing.

You see where this is going. But see, she actually liked me back. For once is my pathetic life someone I had intense feelings for had them for me too.

We’d text constantly and talk. I got closer to her than I could have ever imagined. We meet up at the park and hold hands and just be there together watching the sunset and talking about travel and where we wanted to go. We made out a few times but we never actually had sex. If things had gone on I’m sure we would have. But we were found out. Her husband grew suspicious and when confronted, she folded quickly. Then everything went to shit.

My wife didn’t leave me, but I went to rehab because I had been using a ton of drugs. Amber blocked me on all social media and text (a reasonable demand of her husband). She also tried to convince my wife that it was all me and she didn’t really like me like that (luckily, I had kept the pictures and texts she sent me so this was easily refutable). She threw me under the bus to save herself.

So here it is, two years later. I still love her despite how everything went down and how far under the bus she threw me and the lies she came up with afterwards.

I still look at her pictures and want nothing in the world more than to see her again. Not to *see* her again, but just be in the same room as her… to breathe the same air as her. I want to know she is okay. I want to know she is happy. I just want to hear her voice. And knowing that it almost certainly will never happen has me fucked up in ways I never thought possible. To have what you wanted in your hands and having it slip away… fuck I can’t even put words to how it feels. All I’m left with are memories and a few pictures.

I know that if anyone even takes the time to read this you’ll tell me I’m an asshole, a scumbag, that it serves me right, that my wife should have left me, and that I deserve this suffering. All of that is absolutely true. Every bit of it.

Nothing anyone can say could possibly make me hate myself more than I already do. If I could have just shut up and not even gone down that road she’d still be in my life. But she’s gone for good and I don’t know what the point of even going on is anymore. Even two years later, I’m still sitting here crying at the thought of her. In the last two years I’ve tried to kill myself twice because I can’t handle the pain. No one can hate me more than I hate me.

So go ahead and tell me what a no good piece of pathetic shit I am. I won’t disagree with any of it. I just needed to get this out. And maybe this post can in someway help someone else out from my suffering: if you have someone in your life that makes you feel good and happy and worthwhile, don’t fuck it up. Don’t fly too close to the sun. Just enjoy their presence and be happy to at least have that.