Hey there reddit, im a 24 year old single dad. About 5 years ago I got back with the woman I thought was the love of my life(I was 18 and she was 17 about to turn 18) when I was 15 and she was 14 we got arrested because she stole her grandpa's truck and ended up crashing in a city and got arrested and separated and I never gave up on her even though multiple times throughout those couple years we would talk for literally a day or 2 when she was on the run then she'd leave me again. Since she was the only woman I've ever been serious with I couldn't bare the thought of losing her for good so when we got back together after she was off probation(her probation stated that we couldn't have contact) i was going to move in with her, 2 days before I moved to where she was she told me she couldn't do it and spent the next 2 days fucking some guy(thats what I've been told happened) I went up anyway because I'd spend like 5 years waiting for this girl I wasn't about to give up so we ended up together again and things were alright but not great. A month and a half in she was pregnant and everything almost immediately went down the drain. We were constantly fighting, we were homeless multiple times, our son was born and at first things were amazing, im not sure we had ever been happier but then I moved to try and start college but she decided she wanted me to move back to her and get a job and work so I decide im going to join the army(its been a dream since I was a child to wear a uniform and defend those that can't defend themselves) Instead of acting like a team I did everything myself, I picked what job I wanted, I picked when I was leaving for basic all without asking her and at the time I didn't understand how shitty that was to do, so our fighting got worse and before I left for basic I had choked her 3 times. I had a heart attack when I was in basic but I still couldn't contact my wife and my depression had hit a bottom I didn't know existed, 2 days before I was coming home she told me that she was leaving again and ill never forget that feeling of shock and disbelief, I came home to find out she had been cheating on me the whole time I was in basic, spent all our money(about 10k) and took our son and dipped. Fast forward to 4 years later(now) she has dropped off the face of the planet, she hasn't talked to our son in over 6 months, I heard from her once saying that she wants to change for our son but its been a month since then and nothing. I know that I shouldn't but why do I continue to love her, why cant and I move on with my life like everyone else, for the most part I even understand that unless we both change alot we are incompatible with each other. Im sick and tired of wondering what she is doing or fantasize about making love to her again, I just want to be free to become who im supposed to become. Thanks for listening to my rant, any advice/opinions or even personal stories would be very appreciated. Stay safe :)