I'm a nurse practitioner; have been for a lot of years now. I work critical care, and have for almost twenty years. When the covid pandemic started, we locked and loaded, and went at it. I saw a lot of people die. Like a lot; probably in the hundreds. I signed pronounced six people in 12 hours once. I watched people fight for days refusing the ventilator support because they knew what was coming; and then when they could no longer breathe, my and the airway team's faces were the last they saw. I saw people sobbing over FaceTime as they said goodbye to their loved ones, not even there to hold their hands. I saw nurses valiantly holding it together on the unit, then falling apart in the break rooms. I gave it everything I had. I took care of my family, the nurses and my patients, as best as I could, but it felt like we were losing.

In November, I couldn't take it anymore. My supervisor called me into her office-said people were complaining about my work. I was angry and unfocused; forgetful and seemed to not be on top of things. She wanted to put me on a performance improvement plan. I wasn't doing well at that time. I was only sleeping a couple hours a night, and when I did sleep, I was dreaming of chlorine scented coffins and suffocating. (The positive pressure helmets we wore were soaked in chlorine) I was short with my family and snappy with my wife. I ended up leaving my job; and for the first time since 2004, I'm not in critical care; the field I love. I don't know if I'll ever go back.

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I left a lot of myself in that fight. I wonder if I left the best parts; if they died with the people I couldn't save. I don't know. I may never know; but I tell myself that when the time came to stand in the breech, I did; and did my best. I left it all on the field, but it doesn't make me feel better. My colleagues are falling too- out of ten of us, four have left, all senior staff like myself. Forty percent in less than two months. Casualties in a war that has no winners.

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I don't know where to go from here. I'm applying for doctoral programs, because there's lessons to be learned from this, but I will always mourn what we, and what I , lost from myself.

Take care of yourself redditors. It's a hard world out there.