I have been thinking back on how absolutely insane I got when my relationship was going downhill. I practically threw myself at him, bombarded him, begged him, to care about me. I fell for every bait. I let him do whatever he wanted because I was so desperate. I don't even know how I became that way. I think about me from back then and I wish I could just peel my skin off and erase the knowledge that I...

had emotional breakdowns when he wouldn't have sex with me. I remember being insane about knowing that he would stay up late to avoid getting in bed the same time. I was begging for his attention all the time and I just wouldn't stop, and the more I begged, the less he paid attention. And I never caught on what was happening. Not once.

Spoiler to myself: he was punishing me. All of it was on purpose and I was gullible through the whole thing. I'm not gonna hate on myself for that, but damn, I hate thinking about how dependent I was. The one true thing he said to me during all of it, was that I was co-dependent. And he was right 100%. he may have been manipulative. he may have been getting an ego trip from seeing me like that. but I was hanging onto him like a loose thread and I could not bring myself to admit that I was...codependent. I rejected it when he said it and I denied it for months because I had to stick to the "I did nothing wrong" narrative but I did do something. I let myself form and unhealthy attachment and it was my fault for not seeing it because I didn't want to see it.