I fake likes and experiences just to be a accepted and fun. The dishonesty has me disgusted with myself and I can't stop. I literally do it for attention. I've been to parties and pretended to be drunk even though I was secretly discreetly pouring them out behind and in furniture, on the ground or in other peoples cups when no one looked. I act sexually to men and women and engaged in acts i didn't want to just to seem fun. I could always be convinced to be wild and its all rooted in my childhood. I look back at those times and I want to kill myself. I do it to feel wanted. Even, now, as of yesterday while working, I gave a bj to a stranger who was out the shower just because honestly, I have no clue. He answered the door in a towel (I interrupted his shower so we chatted about that) and i asked him to move the towel and show me which he did and I walked in and sucked him for a few seconds. Didn't know him and it was like the start of a porn yet I did it. I flirt with so many men doing this job. I've been fingered by an old guy, gave another guy a slight bj and had a few others flash me and for attention and I don't even need it. Not to mention I'm married and I flirt and sext. I want to stop cuz I hate myself. It’s cuz I have zero confidence in me as a black woman. Now you're asking how tf does that work? It's all due to me growing up in a predominantly white environment. Not only was I bullied and attacked for being smart, I was bullied and attacked for being black simultaneously and it just wasn't school. I was never going to be attractive or desirable because of my features to white men and I'm beneath you in every way. Even at home, my siblings and neighbours would do the same. Purplgurl act white, let's shun her cuz she's thinks she's better than us cuz she's smart and bougie... I have no where I fit in where I am comfortable to be myself as I am. I have no reason to not feel that way anymore.. The guys never ask for it. I just sexualize situations and it makes me want to kill myself. I wish I could stop. I sexually harass men, women, straight or gay and I am a lowlife for that. I am no where near proud. I just want to be better and not do it anymore. I have no clue how. I tell myself everyday: no random flirting; be professional and respectful. And I break it. I'm hoping honesty will help me somehow. I have told hubs some of what I do. However, he likes that I flirt with randos and they are turned on. He gets aroused by thinking about them having me so I'm not sure if that will give me respite... I have told my therapist and he says it's due to the horrific assault I suffered. I''m addicted to it. Behaving like this in no way turns me on. Afterwards, I cry, cut myself, make horribly disrespectful remarks to myself yet I go out the next day and do it again. What it does for me and to me is rewarding somehow but I don't know and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone the true depth of how deep my "outgoing" ways have/will take(n) me. I'm tired of the memories of my depravity keeping me up and I'm afraid one day soon it will take me to the grave.