Don't get me wrong, I don't like being depressed. It's taxing on my loved ones. It limits me in my career. It has a negative impact on most of the areas of my life, and I wish I weren't depressed.

And there are steps that I could take, track my mood, positive reinforcement, CBT, find a therapist I can work with, etc. Any or all of these things could significantly improve my life, and I wish I did them.

But I don't want to.

I WANT to want to. I wish the desire to be rid of this monkey on my back was an all-consuming, driving purpose that set a fire under me to be better, to get back to where I was before I got depressed.

But it's not.

In high school I was scared. I looked around, and everybody else seemed like they had it together, knew what was going on, had a plan. I had no plan. I did not have 'it' together. I didn't know what 'it' was, let alone have it all in one place with a set of instructions or even a general idea of what 'it' was supposed to look like. So I started watching people. And I discovered that no one else really knew what the hell was going on either. And that gave me peace.

Then, we got evicted. My parents were divorced, and my mom ran into some money trouble. We came home to a notice on the door, we had 36 hours to be out.

My mom went numb. She was totally lost. She had been defeated, and couldn't cope. So I stepped up. I was 18, I had a job, a driver's license and a credit card. I got us a loan for first and last, we found a new place, rented a truck, got packed up and 36 hours later we were in a new apartment. It felt great. I thought I was all that. I thought if I could handle that, I could handle anything for threw at me.

And I was fine for years. I got married. Had a couple of kids. Worked in banking as a lower-mid-level desk jockey. I had it good. I used to joke about being so happy, I 'worried what God is going to have to do to me to make my life come out even'.

In 2008, I got fired. Not laid off, not let go, FIRED. "We don't need your ego around here anymore." No problem. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'll get another job. Nope. Six months go by. I can't get interviews for jobs that pay so low I can't afford to take them. A year. Finally get picked up as an office manager at a little over half my previous salary and no benefits. Took three years, but I crashed and burned. Couldn't get anything accomplished. Everything I planned went tits up. Completely ineffectual.

Got a job as a labourer at a construction company. My boss was two years younger than me. Hauled mud up and down scaffolding for more than a year. Moved into their retail side, explaining to my boss how to do his job. Had a disagreement over the number of times sweeping the floor continued to be a benefit to the company (he insisted it was at least once more). Got 'laid off' so I was eligible to go back to school.

Administrative difficulty with my caseworker meant I missed out on $28000 worth of grants to further my education. (Oh, and during this time my wife divorced me. Her attitude was 'Get your shit together and I'll think about taking you back when you're better'). So I was living off my meagre retirement savings and taking student loans to retrain as a robot tech. Six months after graduation I got an entry-level job in robotics at 40.

Things were going well until they hired new tech at work who has Asperger's (self-described) and 'doesn't deal well with people'. She and I have a disagreement about our team members, and she decides to go to HR and complain about me. HR decides they don't want this headache, I get canned. 'Reorganization'. 'Streamlining'. 'Downsized'. Whatever.

Bounce around to a few other jobs, but don't have enough practical experience with welding to be particularly useful. Let go. Let go again.

Now, I'm at a place where my title is 'Weld Technician '. My primary responsibility? Sweeping the floor. So glad I spent all that money and time at college.

Except that I'm NOT currently working, due to COVID-19. I'm on unemployment, so now would be the PERFECT time to start working on my issues.

Except I don't want to.

I don't have any faith in my ability to significantly affect my position. I don't believe that hard work will invariably produce results. I believe than the greater number of things you plan, the greater the number of things that will not go according to plan. I have no agency over my own existence. I am an NPC in this world.

I know I need help, but I have no idea how to get it. Or faith that 'help' will actually help me. I feel like I'd just be wasting everyone's time and goodwill.

So yeah, I'm depressed.

TL/DR: Depression robs you of your ability to seek help for depression, creating a downward spiral.