Waking up how I did this morning will probably be the first horrible morning I'll have in my life time. My grandpa died in the early morning and initally, I didn't feel anything when I heard what my aunt told me. As the day went on, more and more emotions came, kinda like when it first starts to rain which then quickly turns into a shower and then into a storm. The more I talked about it to my doctor and therapist, the more my emotions became entangled and then it all became a physical pain.

My grandma is probably taking it the hardest though because it was her husband and they were together for 60 years. I'm just staying with her for the time being but there's a bit of a disconnect between us I feel. She's doing a bit better than I thought and has been talking to other family members almost constantly since finding my grandpa dead. Me, on the other hand, I'm not doing so well. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I thought I did but one is moving on and about to date someone else and the other one can't see me because of the risk of covid-19 to everyone involved.

I know I should be glad that my ex is finally moving on from our past relationship like I've told him to do, but it just sucks that the time I reach out to him about my grandpa dying, he tells me that he's met someone else and that he wants to date them. It's good that he was honest with me about that, but fuck, the timing couldn't have been more worse. So I now have that on my mind as well as my grandpa's death. It seems like everyone involved or who I wish I could talk to, already has others and I'm just left all alone. I tried to reach out to some friends but the distance between us didn't make their words feel better to me.

I just wish I could have a hug if I can't talk to anyone. Just a hug so I can fully cry or release some tension inside of me. I don't want to hurt anymore. This just seem like it's the tip of the iceberg though because I'm gonna have to go through this for my grandma, my other set of grandparents, and possibly everyone else in my life. Maybe it's a good thing I'm alone then. If I'm alone, then I don't have to grieve anyone and hurt like this. I'll have to relearn how to be content again to living the rest of my life alone.