I've started working as a manager at a new company for 5 months now. And I feel like I'm not doing a good job. I think because of it, it has triggered my anxiety at a level that I haven't seen for a very long time (almost 10 years).

I don't think it's the job per se. I think it started about 2 year ago at my old job. They pressured and cornered me untill I finally caved in, and resigned. I did want to resign earlier, but I really wanted to get a job secured first. Went to 14 interviews in less than 10 months. I really felt stupid for not being able to score a job after 14 interview, so I think that adds up to the pressure I felt at my old job.

About a month after I left, I got another job. I was happy at first. But, after I joined I realized that it wasn't what I wanted. Furthermore, I felt my mental state hasn't really heal at that point. Piled up with a role that I don't like, I did my best to look for another job. All the while I felt like I was struggling and drowning with emotions, anxiety, depression. Kept my head above the water while my feet was kicking to stay afloat.

Now, after I joined this new company, I feel like a complete fraud. I don't know if I'm doing things right. I don't know if I'm a good fit for the role. I have a few tasks lined up, that I just can't bring myself to complete them. And I hate myself for that. I hate for not being able to show my best. I hate not being to commit and present to a level that I can. I feel like I let my boss down, my team down, everyone else down. I'm scared that I'm losing it.

This week alone, I lashed and got angry at my mom a few times. I just cannot control my emotions anymore.

I went out to lunch alone today. When I went back to my car, I just bawled. I cried and screamed while I drove around town aimlessly. I don't know if other drivers saw I was crying but I didn't care. I was angry, frustrated, anxious and I couldn't fight it any longer. It's at a level that I'm starting to take it out on my family. And I hate myself for it.

But I just don't know what to do next.