I'll try to keep this short as possible...

I was taken advantage of during a doctors appointment when I was 20....several years ago. I was in a relationship at the time and I felt such an incredible amount of guilt for what happened and not stopping it that I sabotaged my relationship and my girlfriend left me.

My next relationship was worse as she was very abusive verbally and mentally and even treated me like a kid through most of it. Not wanting to just give up, wanting to make up for past mistakes, and not wanting to be alone, I stuck it out. Unfortunately, fate intervened and we did not last, as she left me. I was crushed.

The following years, I engaged in several relationships...some which were just as destructive. I felt deep down inside that I deserved these relationships because of what happened so many years ago. I even had a married manager I worked for sexually pursue me after I just got out of a relationship. She then insulted and pushed me away afterwards; then engaged in a wicked push-pull game with my emotions until I left the job. The horrible part about this is that I then went on to make even more destructive decisions all to try and mask the pain of being used and taken advantage of. This path also involved me unfortunately hurting people along the way as well.

I feel bad for what I have done in the past. I struggle with what happened so many years ago because what happened in that doctor's office, I never considered to be abuse, despite others saying it was. I am married now, and I do not want to make any more mistakes again. I feel like I am destined to fail. Simple things such as walking into a store bother me as I am fearful of looking somebody in a way they do not want me to look at them, so I stay away. This mentality brings me grief and some pain, and I struggle dealing with it. I don't want to hurt anyone more, especially my wife or people of my past. I just want this pain and grief to stop, and I want to stop making stupid and destructive decisions.