My ex and I had talked in extreme length about the kids we would have someday between naming them and talking about how we’d raise them and basically everything you could talk about. They were so real in my mind and in my heart. Being a mother is my greatest dream in life and at the time this man was everything I could want in a partner. If soulmates were real this would have been mine simply too soon. After we broke up it dawned upon me those children I’d held in my heart and dreams would never come to be with he and I. The stories we’d talked about and the hopes we’d had. Those specific hypothetical children will only remain in my heart. Of course I’ll have children with another man someday but it won’t be those ones specifically. I don’t know why but I hold so much love for those babies. The future they’ll live in another life where maybe he and I worked out. I hope they’re happy. It feels so stupid to be so sad but I can’t seem to help it. It’s not a lost dream because I’ll have kids and they’ll be the most loved and precious things I’ve ever known but it does feel like a small part of me was ripped away even though nothing was there. Truly as well all these thoughts were originally sparked by lyrics from a song called “Santa Monica dream”. The lyrics were “goodbye to the children we’ll never meet and the ones we left behind” freshly after the breakup that hit like a semi truck.

Anywho that’s all and it’s not super interesting just all I’ve been feeling and needed to get out somewhere