To preface this, I just want to say that I’m pretty sure you’re all going to rag on me, but before you do, please read the entire post and hear me out.

I (19F) am engaged to my fiancé (30M). We both knew each other through mutual friends years ago (he was a plug, has entirely flipped his life around since then though) and we rekindled when I was 18 randomly.

This isn’t really entirely prevalent, but figured I owe y’all a little background on the situation.

His mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cervical/Ovarian Cancer that eventually metastasized into her bowels/bladder. She died on the 5th of this month.

For roughly about 5 months before she died, my fiancé and I put a lot of love and care into the last of her life. I stepped up when everything got unmanageable for him (he worked 8 hours a day, i worked 3 in the early morning so it worked great time-wise.) I medicated her every two hours, checked on her more frequently than that usually, and made sure she always was fed with whatever she wanted and had whatever she needed to drink. I loved her so much and she loved me a whole lot. She really wanted to see us have kids and all, we were that close.

My fiancé is a very selfless man most times, but he was brought up without being taught how to manage his emotions. He struggles with invalidating me, lacking empathy when he hurts my feelings, being very dismissive, not being the most emotional/vulnerable/romantic.

All of these things he kind of has been working on and sometimes will admit these issues later not in the moment usually, but will resort back to treating me this way more so than not. It really hurts, because I consider myself to be a very emotional person with a lot to give. I recognize him and do whatever I can to take stress off of him, and did so even after his mom died.

I do all the laundry, I clean up our living spaces, I do the dishes, I used to make dinner most nights (we are broke after taking a week off when she died so now we just buy $1 chicken sandwiches at dollar store.) I’m not even bothered that I have to do all of these things for us. I’m upset that he doesn’t recognize/see me for who I am.

He struggles to meet my needs, but I’ll do whatever I can to meet his. Even when we were told that her cancer magically went away and that she was gonna get better and not die, he was the same partner to me.

I don’t think it’s all related to her, the neglect. I really feel for him with what happened and seeing what we saw when she died. I mean, i’m ALWAYS there for him (he isn’t for me very often and that’s not because of his job.) and I feel like it is always about him and not about what i need or how I feel. Even when i bring it up, it turns into how he feels instead of acknowledging me.

You might think I sound like an A-hole for feeling this way. I do feel a bit guilty, but I also don’t think it’s fair to push your partner away who just took care of your mother until she died, met your needs while being minimized and neglected for a long time, took care of a huge burden while still working and helping with bills (while making wayyyy less by the way.) And financing my own vehicle on top of that.

I want to feel wanted and needed so bad, but I feel a huge disconnect. I want to be touched and craved and desired like no other. I did it for him for a long time. I even ignored me for a bit after his mom died.

He’s been snapping at me though and getting meaner, then blaming it on the grief. He’s going through the worst thing imaginable, and my heart breaks for him.

But, it is really hard to continue to be there and feel a lot of continuous empathy for him, when I feel like an inconvenience, bore, and worthless to him. I’ve been treating this man amazing by the way, haven’t been ragging him for this. I communicate, see it’s going nowhere and try to drop it now. Starting to feel like we are incompatible though, and i hate that it’s come up at this time. I wish he would truly move mountains for me like he claims he would, and because I’ve done the same for him.

Taking care of someone with that kind of cancer is extremely difficult, and heartbreaking. Even traumatic. I don’t regret that though, I love her so so much. I’m not complaining about her at all. It was just hard! And I did it out of love. I wish he returned the favor by treating me with respect mostly. Please don’t tear me to shreds. I’m just conflicted. 😖

I don’t want advice. I wanted to vent, but feel free to share your opinions, as this is the internet and my choice to make it open to the public.