I am sure people would kill for my life, but damn have I made a serious of insane decisions and have destroyed my emotional state and mental wellbeing. I have a history of talking too much and not knowing when to shut up, which caused most of this, so I am going to try real hard to make this short, but it wont be. tl;dr Just read the title, thats as good as I can do.

I was lonely, single for the longest time in my adult life (32M). I met a girl online (21F), who is ridiculously hot. She just had got kicked out of her house by family for being an alcoholic. I know what you are thinking, wow, that's the biggest red flag if I have ever seen one. Well let me tell you dear reader, the sex was amazing, I had never been with anyone as attractive as her or as kinky as her. Turns out though, alcoholics have a drinking problem. She wouldn't stop getting wasted, and when she gets drunk, she gets angry and when she gets angry, she gets violent. I put up with a lot though and tried to help her quit drinking. How bad can it be though? Shes a tiny 5'5 100lbs girl. Fun fact! When she was 19, her and her best friend got drunk, started arguing, and she stabbed the other girl in the face! "How is this girl not in prison?!" you might be wondering? Well, that is because the girl she stabbed DIED! of an unrelated drug overdose and can't testify against her, so they had to drop the case. So much to my surprise, she got drunk and angry at me for not having sex with her while she was currently blackout drunk. When I was a sleep she started messaging all of my friends and family telling them I was a terrible person, no reason given. Turns out she also messaged my friend, who she knew was my crush from childhood and threatened to murder her and her son. The next morning, I understandably was a bit upset, so I told her we were done, and she needed to get out. She just walked up to me and punched me in the face. Then tried to get my gun out of the other room and I started to call 911, but she grabbed my phone beat me in the face with it smashing it and breaking it on my face. Then proceeded to grab me by the hair, punch me in the face, scratch at my eyes, kick me in the face, I tried to push her away and she tried to bite off my thumb (still have a huge scar). I begged her to let me go, I ended up punching her in the face which apparently "Really turned her on seeing me stand up for myself" and "made her fall even more in love with me". I got away, ran down the street dripping blood from my face like an insane person screaming for help, finally found someone walking their dog who called 911 for me, as my ex stole my car and sped away (very drunk still).

So while she was in jail for that, my crush that she texted started talking to me. She is the only person I have ever been in love with, but also we had never even dated. Oh I should also mention she is actually the most attractive person I have ever met in my entire life... 3 weeks later on April 1st, we decided it would be a great idea to just get married. Because of course that can never end badly? So while waiting for our wedding day we went and did some house shopping and I buy us her dream home. I thought this would be a big deal and mean a lot to her, considering she was living in a really rough area of town in a trailer park where she grew up. Brand new construction, had not even been finished yet, $500,000 house in one of the lowest COL states, this place would easily sell for over $5million in expensive cities. The safest neighborhood around, in the school district she wanted for her son. I told her she could quit her job and I would pay for everything. We get married, move in together, I have a 6 year old son now! Best kid ever, love him to death, he starts calling me "step daddy" and we all 3 buy new bikes together and take rides around the neighborhood, and it is the dream life and I have never been happier. 2 weeks after moving in together in the brand new house, she seems angry. "Nothing is wrong" she says. Well I tried cleaning the house for her, did the dishes, took care of dinner, bought her flowers, she refused to talk to me though. After 2 days of this, I finally get her to tell me what is wrong! Apparently, we had empty boxes in the garage from moving in, and I had not thrown them away yet. I also had not scrubbed the toilets, or unloaded the dishwasher from 2 days ago. Didn't know that was an issue, brand new house, we have not even started decorating yet, but I did those things for her. Did I mention I was assaulted like 5 weeks prior, got married, bought a house, sold my old house, moved us both in, and have a full time job? Well I was A BIT stressed, recently discovered I now have PTSD and frequent nightmares of being attacked and was sleep deprived. I asked if she would lay down with me for a bit while I fell asleep and took a nap. She told me no, and I made a really stupid comment along the lines of "Well I have issues going to sleep alone right now, so I wish someone would". Well this was a blunder my friends. She left and was gone for 20 hours and refused to tell me where she was at, if she was okay, or when she would be back home. I said if the relationship was going to be like this then I would want a divorce. So she said okay lets get a divorce, took my son, all the things we bought together and moved out without saying a word. No amount of begging or pleading was going to change her mind.

So while my wife was moving out, I am having a panic attack, driving down the road crying literally screaming in my car about how I can't do this alone. I just needed someone, anyone to be there for me. Who would it even be though?! The only person I could even think of was my ex who assaulted me, because she was a lot of things, but damn if she was not obsessed with me and madly in love with me. A few minutes after thinking that, and deciding I was going to try to get in contact with her at the jail my phone rings. "This is a free call from an incarcerated inmate..." Universe, you cruel and crazy son of a bitch. When she is sober she is an amazing and kind person, well she's been in jail for 3 months longest she has been sober as an adult. So I go and drop $10k to bail her out of jail on charges of assaulting me and stealing my car. I bring her home to my new house, 3 days after my wife moved out. I am very much not over losing my wife and son. She is so supportive of me though, she is not trying to drink, she takes care of the house and does all the cleaning. She is so in love with me, and its upsetting her so badly that in those 3 months I got married and tossed to the side like that, and that I still want my wife back. I feel like an absolute terrible person for crying and wanting my wife and son back, while I have this gorgeous woman bending over backwards doing anything to make me happy. My emotions are shot and have been all over the place and have even got pretty dark and have made serious plans for suicide (and abandoned them).

Now we are both struggling how to keep ourselves entertained and distracted from the fact that I am crying over the fact that my wife, who is the only person I have ever actually loved, has left me. Meanwhile she has suddenly been moved into this role knowing she is a replacement for my wife who I would rather be with right now. I am the only person she has ever actually been in love with, and that its not mutual is killing her. We were talking and before when she was drinking we would go to strip clubs, she talked about having a 2nd woman in the relationship even. Now she is sober and so no clubs, and she isn't interested in women when sober. I told her I am not sure what to do either, after a break up I normally would either go be sad alone and play video games (which she hates) or I would go meet new people who were mostly women who were more casual encounters or FWB to get over my ex. Well her being way too caring of a person and willing to make me happy said I could look for a 2nd woman for a threesome. That will give us something to do, and she said she would prefer that than to see me cry over my ex anyway, at least I won't care about this other woman.

I am not in love with my now girlfriend. She is not quite as attractive as my wife was. We don't have the best history. I have been losing weight and trying to work on my appearance, so it was fun in the past trying to talk to these women who were way out of my league, and I realize now that is what made it so fun and exciting for me and I never had attention like that from attractive women before. Because I opened up the dating app I met her on, and realize oh yeah... She was the most attractive person by far on this whole app (within 25 miles). I look at local subreddits for hookups and dating, and they are all just so unattractive by comparison. I just lost my wife, who is the most attractive person I have ever seen in my entire life (But probably because of how in love with her I have always been). Now I am realizing I am trying to find another woman to distract me, when I have arguably one of the most attractive women around begging for my love and attention.

I know all of this sounds too crazy to be true, but it is. Then of course there is some stuff left out. All of that boils down to "Yes, I am very insecure, very obsessed with physical attractiveness of myself and my partners, I am very stressed out in life, and it is making me very inconsiderate of others feelings". I know I am an asshole, and I am going to go to therapy. I am very aware that I suck, and I am a broken person right now and being suicidal because someone I dated/married over a span of like 6 weeks left me, and my biggest problem in life is I can't find anyone attractive enough to have a threesome within my mansion (not really a mansion), is probably the stupidest thing anyone has ever heard. But there it is... Thank you for reading.