When I was young I always wanted to be a dad, mostly because my own father was a terrible one until he died when I was in 6th grade from his heroin addiction. I would be the greatest dad the world had ever seen.

Things changed when I became an adult. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 which, of course, led me to my own stages of addiction, which were horrid but I was able to conquer my addiction and have grown infinitely from it. I believe my father suffered the same mentally which led him to his path. I forgive my father, but this isn't something I want to pass down to my child because, frankly, I'm lucky to be alive. And like many people who have BP2, it's getting worse despite my much healthier coping mechanisms.

On top of my fear of genetically giving my child a death sentence, I have grown extremely paranoid and cynical of society. I flat out don't want to raise a kid when we're (very hard workers and relatively successful in the food and bev industry) still struggling to make ends meet. And I believe the state of the world will get worse, not better, in our lifetime.

My girlfriend was accepting of my decision when we talked about earlier in our relationship but lately she's been talking about children and motherhood and families and even if it's completely subconscious I can see what she wants in her heart. I feel like I'm holding her back from what she feels is an important component to being human. I'm not afraid of anything in my personal life but the thought of bringing an innocent child into such a world makes my knees buckle.

I love her and I don't want to ever let her go but I don't want her to resent me and her decision to be with me later in life. That would destroy me.

Edit for grammar