I have to get it out, i am in the middle of a vacation with my only remaining friend group and I should be enjoying myself not being annoyed by the little things here and there

So, for context, I have 3 types of friends, primary and middle school friends, highschool friends, and college friends

The remaining is :

one friend group from primary and middle school, we are now drifting apart and see each other once a year if lucky

Plus nothing,

Well not nothing, but when covid cane, my highschool group divided, everyone either went to college or formed mini groups with another, all of my class, so everyone in my social circle formed their own groups, after fights i learned about very later on, except me

So while I was thinking everyone lived a silent life like me socially, i was just left out Frankly i realised i was always that extra who everyone was friends with but has no special bond with a specific somebody

Anyway fasst forward to when i found one of the groups that had formed unbeknownst to me, and since they were the closest option to my heart, i forced myself to enter their group, well i was welcomed so not much as forced but i wasn’t one of the “founding memebers” who built a friendship over time

Anyway, half of them joined my same uni and faculty and all is well

Till we started travelling and going out together

They are true besties with one another, always talking to one another, joking with one another, inside jokes and secrets, anything any of them says is immediately funny, when I try to joke, no reaction, when i talk , no reaction, and like not all the time, sometimes someone or the other pays attention to me or makes me feel seen, but i , out of 4 girls, am the least visible and relevant. Even the body language is extremely indicative of this.

I, an extra

I was never used to this, at least till middle school ended, in highschool i was the extra too but in a more discreet and less obvious or rather less painful way. That is before the big division in covid. What hurt most is one of the girls who i knew my whole life, who i was close with and we used to have lots and lots in common, now is different and from me, distant and not the same.

I have one other friend outside this group, i consider her the closest thing to a “close friend” , but we are only close when discussing mental health stuff or help each other, she does alot, and i live her and thankful for her, but its just not the same, face to face we can barely hold a convo, and if we do its painfully awkward, even in chat we can barely joke or talk abt smth fun.

This is not me being ungrateful, im eternally grateful for having people in my life who love me,

Its just painful when Im in a vacation and im invisible most of the time

Its just painful to look around after spending years in mental torture and illness, of which is a full year pf being at home 99% of the time and seeing no one my age and having family problems and your house burnt, have depression anxiety ocd and self hate and pent up emptions and anger And then look around you when you want someone to care for you and rely on, and find no one who considers you number one or at least special or a priority in their lives.zero.

That just hurts