Mostly loneliness. I attended a friend's birthday party a couple of weeks ago and it was wonderful, I had a great time. Said friend lives 2 hours away and is incredibly busy so it's very hard to organise anything together. After the party, I rode the high for a day or two before crashing into a loneliness-fueled depression. I've also been having severe financial issues - literally $0 in my bank account - which has greatly limited what I've been able to do. I lived independently for years but have been forced back in with my emotionally abusive mother because my options were that or the street, and I couldn't let my dogs end up on the street.

The same friend invited me out to play some minigolf with a small group - her and her boyfriend, and another lovely couple I met at the party and got along with quite well. It was a particularly low day for me and I almost pulled out at the last minute because I didn't want to drag down the mood, but decided it would be good for me to get out and spend time with people. I ended up just spending the whole time feeling like a double third-wheel and it has only amplified my loneliness. I couldn't hide it either and 3 out of the 4 of them ended up pulling me aside a number of times to ask if I was okay. I just said I was having a hard time mentally but didn't really elaborate, it didn't really seem like an appropriate time or place.

All of my usual friends are online and overseas, so I don't get to hang out physically with anyone and I've lost the desire to. I look at couples who seem happy together and wish I could have that, but I don't have the energy or willpower to seek it out. I don't want to exist but the consequences for me removing myself from the world are too high - my two beautiful girls are my everything and they would have nowhere to go that I trust. I'm so intensely lonely and see things all around me I wish I could have.

I've been trying to drag myself out of this hole but just end up right back in it at the slightest breeze. My sleep schedule has self-destructed and I'm spending most of the day in bed, typically only getting up when I'm too hungry to ignore it and to game in the quieter hours of the evening and night. I don't know what to do. Or maybe I do know and just don't have the energy or drive to do it. If I don't get some money in soon I'll lose the insurance on my car and my ability to get anywhere will be shot. I also have years worth of furniture and personal items in a storage unit that's costing me $600 a month and if I don't pay that they'll auction the whole unit off.

I'm so burnt out of life. I need help but even my therapist missed our last session with no explanation or warning. I'm just rotting away in my filthy bedsheets that have needed to be washed for weeks and it makes me hate myself and the situation I'm in even more.