Her 29f, me 29m.

So I've been with this woman 6 years on and off and I feel I'm stuck in a never ending cycle. For the most part we get along great, she feels like home. We have a kid together almost 4. The problems for me are; when I met her I should've left then, I seen the red flags; her living at her mom's, messy room, you literally couldn't walk in the room with out having to move literal crap off the bed or the floor. Finding her talking to other guys while she was with me. But being the man I am, I over looked all that and helped push her to become a better person, she would say I made her realize things, that she's never tried to fix or noticed. Even went as far as making her realize education, being self sufficient, and, independent was important. Pushed her mentally just by supporting, listening, speaking, and guiding her, but not doing the work for her, allowing her to learn on her own. Eventually after a year and a half, she got her high diploma online and her driver's license. I was proud, hoping she would highly succeed in her next endeavors. But that was far from the case. She would get jobs but would be so tardy most of the time they would let her go.

I started realizing more and more, of things that I would see in her or things she would or wouldn't do. Like not doing the basic chores, making meals, cleaning up after her self, allowing things to be over looked and not taken care of. Like we live in a barn. But these things well extented into other parts of her, being insecure, having past truma, etc. Or her not knowing how to do basic adulting, like driving, looking for a job, being independent. It's always felt like I'm her father and I have to grab her by the hand and walk her across the street because she simply lacks the effort, self discipline, and just doesn't know how to do certain things. I even spent my own money and bought her a car to push along her growth and hoping it entices her on wanting to be more independent, then the car got totaled after a few months... money lost...

Me as a child and now a man, I've been through alot myself and have experienced my own truma, depression, anxiety, pstd, poverty, domestic violence, parental drug abuse, the works, I've lived in the mud and trenches and have grown from such.

What bugs me the most sometimes is like, I am a perfect example of resiliency based on what I've been through and how I continue to fight to live another day, and I would hope that she would look up to me as a leader, or some sort of person that she can look up to, to learn and grow from. But it's like, none of who I am is seen or heard by her. There's times I'll talk to her for hours just to try and jog something in that brain of hers and I’ll talk to her about my life and my experiences and how they can help her in a way and even support her on how we can move forward but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. She'll promise change and all kinds, just for a few days later for her to be back on her regular routine.

I've even had to deal with her mother, who is very judgemental. (I've already had a falling out with her mother and even told her straight up what I didn't like, cause she would say things behind my back and my gf would later tell me.) My gf was even sexually abused by her mom's boyfriend over the years as a child, yet her mom denies that it ever happened. So it creates a lot of stress and anxiety and truma for my gf, which I totally understand. On the daily her mom acts controlling and immature and tries to act like I’m the problem and gets jealous whenever my gf is around me more. Her mom is the type that even if you’re like 5 feet away from her she’ll talk in such a tone where it’s like you can hear her talking even though she thinks you can’t hear her, even if she is talking about you.

Now, I am no Saint, I've done things to my gf after the fact of trying to help her. At certain points I gave up but didn't want to let go. Yet I went out and did things that hurt her like cheating. I'll always regret my downfalls and things I've did. But I only did what I did because I was ignorant, I didn't know what to do with a person I care so much about, but they simply don't believe in them selfs and you can only do much for other people while trying to take care of yourself.

I've tried to break up with her, even before I cheated and I told her why and she agreed in it. But we never split. Eventually I cheated, then in that same week found out my gf was pregnant and again me being the man I am, I sucked up my pride and stayed, not about to leave her hanging, but boy did I feel like shit and I deserved it for doing what I did.

Over the years, it's been nothing but a continuous cycle, she promises to change, goes back to her old habits, I work, pay all the bills, make all the big decisions. And I just feel broken, I've suffered from so much depression and have even attempted to take my life because I feel so stuck. I've even had to send her packing back to her mom's hoping it would open her eyes and change her but nope.

Recently, this year in Sep-Nov, I've had my biggest fall ever, one day, I said screw my job and screw her, sent her back to her mom's, found and met some girl I thought at the time was hot shit, but wasn't lol. You name it, I was a mess, couldn't pay bills, almost faced eviction, had alot of other people shitting on me. Basically living on whatever I could. Eventually I kicked the new girl to the side, came back to my senses as I felt I just needed a hard reset. Started seeing my ex gf again and we're back together, yet nothing's really changed. I still for the most part financially do it all. And some days I just feel numb to her, numb on texting her, numb thinking about her sometimes, yet I love and care about her. I just wish it would've all worked out in the beginning, but nothing's perfect. I just try to do the best I can now for her and us, but it's eating me alive having to feel like I'm tackling life alone. If we were a real team/partnership, we could be living a better life in a house and not just apartments and welfare almost my whole life.

There so much more to all this, it's just to much to explain all. I just feel broken and at a loss for words and it's hard especially when children are involved. I'm just so mentally drained and feel so stuck.

I might just be her life lesson, her friends say...

But I had to get this off my chest, been meaning to post something like this for a few years just never did.

Is it wrong, that out in public, or social media that I see women with nice jobs, vehicles, and are very independent and think wow I could have that, yet I'm here putting up with this. Because I am afraid of losing someone, knowing damn well I deserve better, and knowing they couldn't give back the same way as I do for them.

Life eh...