A month ago, my ex broke up with me. I thought everything was fine in the relationship, even when we had our ups and downs. I even just met her dad for the first time ever the weekend before that. The weekend prior to the breakup, everything was fine too... We were making plans on what to do the weekend after (I live 1.5 h away from her).

Monday came and she brought up some concerns she had, which I know both were valid, and it was my fault for those two specific reasons, I'm not gonna deny that. First was the fact that I was late on her birthday present for 5 months already (I definitely could have finished it sooner but I kept getting distracted doing other things I want to do), and another was that we were playing terraria together, and I knew that her friends have been asking to play it with her, but she wants to finish it with me first before playing with them, but we haven't played for a few weeks. I told her then that I've been losing interest in the game and she said I was then lying and deliberately leading her on because I said previously I wanted to finish the game with her (which was true, I just haven't been feeling like playing it at the time). She felt like I've just been playing other games lately and that I'm not prioritizing her enough. She told me she asked to play every single day when even just looking by the chat logs that wasn't true, and she's telling me to stop gaslighting her when I was trying to make sense of the entire timeline. I know that it essentially boils down to me not keeping my promises with her, and she's worried if what if in the future I'd go home after work and instead of taking care of the kids I just went on to play games.

She was hurt, got angry, and asked for space. The day after that, she texted me in the middle of work, saying let's break up. I immediately asked to go home early since my emotions were about to burst and I can't keep it in. I tried calling her, and asked her to talk about this first, and she replied "i have nothing more to say to you, if you keep calling i am just going to block you, i can't believe you have the audacity to say please let's talk when we have time and time again had conversations where i fully should have broken up with you and didn't. just let it end" That surprised and hurt me, because I remember most, if not all of the conversations and arguments we've had, and I always come off them knowing how I should change or what I should work on, and work on them...

The first time I calmed down, a few hours after, I was still very emotional, that I ended up messaging her friends apologizing and saying goodbye to them (I know this was not something I should do, but at the time I just wanted to say goodbye). I was crying for days, my emotions were on a rollercoaster. Work just reminds me of her, especially when I'm doing tasks that don't require much thinking, since she literally sent the text while I'm about to have a meeting. She had dinner with a mutual friend and told him that I never listen, that sometimes she feels like she needs to act like a mom (which is true, I've been working on being able to self assure myself with a therapist), that I kept delaying getting a therapist (I spent 2 weeks looking and she knew that my first appointment was going to be that week) that there's no point in talking to me because I wouldn't listen either way.

I was blaming myself for everything in the relationship. I know now that while I was definitely at fault for a few things, it is all not solely on me. However, I still can't help but think about the things that I was in my control. I started working out again, and read self growth books. It helped me learn more about myself, and what I can work on for myself, it mentally helped me, even though the feelings still come and goes. I've been going to the therapist, I've been writing songs to pour out my emotions (I finished a full song for the first time ever in my life).

Last Sunday, I decided to try reaching out to her, just to see if she might want to talk, to maybe reconcile. I added her on fb and sent the message I wanted to send. I know her well enough to know that the most likely outcome is she'll just block me. I didn't come in with high expectations, but a small part of me hoped for a miracle. Obviously, she blocked me, she probably did it as soon as she saw the friend request. I don't think she even bothered reading what I sent. In some ways I've accepted it, but it still hurts. I've been told by my friends and relatives that her reaction is a reflection on who she is as a person more than of who I am, but it still hurts so bad.

I truly loved her, even for all the flaws she has, even though she is a very emotional person. I was able to see a future with her, and we've talked about the future often during the course of the relationship. Even now, after how hurt I am, I still can't harbor any feelings of anger or hatred to her at all. Because I can see where she's coming from, and how I had hurt her, and she just doesn't want anything to do with it anymore... It doesn't help that I am basically alone now. My closest friends live halfway across the globe. The friends I have in the area both recently have kids, so they have enough on their plates. When I told my parents about it and cried (only the second time ever I cried in front of them), they tried to cheer me up by shitting on her (calling her a coward for not even wanting to talk and doing it over text, telling me they wouldn't have dated someone that has problems that she has, etc.), and that does not help me in the slightest... My favorite song before I met her became "our song" after I showed it to her, and I can't listen to it anymore because it sounds sadder now than it is hopeful. I can't play most games anymore because it reminds me of one of her issues with me. I even contemplated on returning home to my country permanently and start fresh because of this, as even going to work reminds me of it (my visa status makes it nearly, if not basically impossible to switch jobs). I haven't been able to get a good sleep, even with melatonin. Sometimes I would feel good, but then the feelings of dread comes back again.

I'm writing this right now because I'm having one of those overwhelmed episodes again. I wish I can not feel. I guess the only good thing is I know the relationship is never recoverable and reconcilable. My friends have been telling me all this time that she's not worth the effort to reach out again. But my heart wanted to just try one more time. We all knew the result either way. I felt like as a person, I'm always willing to give people chances, and I wished that she'd give me the chance to just talk, because this felt like it came out of nowhere. There were definitely times in the relationship where I needed to stop and think if she's worth it, and I always thought she was. Looking back, the relationship wasn't exactly healthy either, since I've had times where I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells, or when I had concerns but I felt like they weren't validated (I remember her saying once along the lines of "I'm here listening to what you have to say, how is that not validation"). But it doesn't change the fact that I thought we had something special, that being with her makes me feel a lot of comfort and at home. And I've lost that place.