I know it’s not my fault, but I still blame myself. I’m ashamed I orgasmed. I’m ashamed I froze instead of fighting or fleeing. I thought I was stronger and braver than that. I didn’t think it would affect me as much as it has been. I’m hyper sexual and yet I haven’t even been able to masturbate without feeling the fear and shame. I feel like I should have expected this and get over it. Coworkers who have worked longer though said that it is NOT expected or ever okay.

I work at a legal brothel as a sex worker. They have so many protective measures and always state that our safety is more important than money. They stress that we do not allow the clients to do anything they haven’t paid for and to walk out or press the emergency button.

It was supposed to be a standard quickie. And yet he was rough, pushed my boundaries, didn’t stop when I said “no!” Or “stop, that’s enough!”, left marks, and left me bleeding. I should have walked out to get the manager sooner. They handled the situation amazingly and got him out. I asked them not to report to the police or call them (for personal reasons I won’t be sharing).

And yes, I have heard about Tetris, but I honestly haven’t been in the mood.