Couple years ago I found out that I have a rare form of male factor infertility. Specifically, my sperm have a high percentage of DNA fragmentation. Meaning that although my body can make sperm, either my body isn't replicating my genetic code during meiosis properly, or when it does completely meiosis the cells are being damaged somehow.

Either way, in the odds that my wife and I could possibly conceive naturally are vanishingly small. Then, even in the case that natural conception happens, the odds that the baby would be carried to term (let alone healthy) are even lower (because a zygote can only do so much self repai with a damaged sperm cell).

I've always wanted to be a father, so needless to say, when this diagnosis came, I fell into dispair. Possibly the deepest despair I had ever felt.

Eventually, my wife and I conceived via IVF using donor sperm.

I am honestly over the moon excited to have our first child.

But the IVF process is difficult and costly. So, my mind frequently returns to "if only I could give our kid a little brother or sister naturally". With IVF we might have to wait years before a second transfer, and even then IVF does guarantee a baby. But if we could conceive naturally- there's no constraints about finances for affording the shots, or checking uterine lining, or hormone levels.

The soonest we could have a second baby is as soon as she begins to ovulate again and when sex is comfortable for her again.

But natural isn't an option.

Because of me.

Because my body refuses to do something that nearly every man in the history of the world has been able to do.

I don't treat my body like shit (I could lose some weight). I've never done hard drugs, or smoked, or had repeated blows to my crotch. And yet here I am- with a rare form that has no specific cure (because why research a rare form right? What money is there to be made by the medical establishment by helping natural conception?) And any research is open ended on the efficacy of how to address it (take some antioxidants and see how that goes- it could make things worse though!)

I feel my wife's baby and I don't care that I didn't help put that baby there other than working overtime for years. I just wish that she didn't have to go through the shots, and would never have to go through them again. I wish we could be surprised by our next kid.