All I feel is guilty, they say when you strangle someone once your 750 times more likely to be killed by that person, and your risk goes up each time. Pick hot or cold water because I’m going to drown you so it’s your choice..I’m being nice. He came home drunk, he wasn’t going to stop this time, I called the police, he’s gone but I’m left feeling guilty, I didn’t want to ruin his life, I just wanted to leave. I feel sad for him, I know I did the right thing, the hardest thing but I feel so fucked up.

I was told me everyday for years how stupid I was, how I shouldn’t think, how everything I ever did was wrong and could do nothing right,a freak, a weirdo,not even a person just a thing, how every part of me was the worst thing in the world..now all I’m left with are nightmares and knowing I can never be good enough, that every part of me is wrong,that I’m just so totally unloveable to the core and just good for nothing, the best bit? I really think he was right. Because I don’t even feel like a no one, I feel like anyone who even has to look at me or spend time with me needs to reevaluate because I really am nothing, and I promise I have very little worth left if I ever did, I really once thought I could be lovable and a good person once, turns out I’m neither.

Should just disappear into the external sky, maybe I made him like this? Maybe it’s actually so dreadful to have to be with me that this is what happens, that the problems actually me. Blah