It’s not nearly as heavy as some posts I’ve read over time here but I really do need to get it off my chest lol

Nearly all aspects of my life, I’ve drawn to end up being second here and there, rarely ever been put first which I don’t mind when it happens naturally but I don’t even put myself first and it took me a really long time to realise that. Like I only just found this out about myself sometime last year. I’m nearly 27 now and since becoming aware of that, I do try to be selfish but it’s still really hard to get past my natural instinct of being a nice person.

Today I experienced something that made me think in sureness that I really am tired of being the nice guy. By nice guy I mean decent and morally sound kind of guy. I want to be rude and be miserable and scum-like but it’s going against the grain of who I am fundamentally. How people are able to be these these things and not think twice about it is crazy to me but I want to be like that myself.

Even if I get there, what would happen to me? Will I feel better about myself afterwards? It can’t be as bad as feeling invisible or uncalled or walked on, can it?

I’m not a pushover. There are things that I won’t tolerate but when making decisions that involve I guess keeping good relations with others, I try to find even ground every time rather than demanding what I want at the cost of the other persons part. I’d like to be hard enough to be able to make a transaction as such where I win majority and not split even or less than.

Whatever label is opposite of the nice guy, I’d like to wear, just for a little bit.