I 26M and my wife 24F have been Christian’s either all or the majority of our lives. However, the way I’ve been feeling about my beliefs started due to past experiences and trauma.

I met my wife at her church when we were both in high school. I was in a low point in my life and was looking for answers and like most people in the south I decided to find it in a southern Baptist church. The first time I saw my wife she sang in youth band to which I thought she was the most beautiful person I had every met. I didn’t go up and talk to her due to me being a bad introvert; however, she was the first one to say hello. We began talking and she told me that she wouldn’t date any who wasn’t saved or who she wouldn’t marry. So 4 months later I became saved and we started dating 3 months after that.

Fast forward to 2 years later I was going through another tough time in my life but this time it was due to the people at church and not my own convictions. The church we were going to started preaching how god chose people before they were born on who goes to heaven or hell. I being the level headed person and who joined the church at a later age than most realized that this was wrong and not what they taught new people who joined their church or new christians. I voiced my opinion about how I believed it was wrong. Apparently that was not the right choice as I was not only ostracized, but was also pulled aside by high ranking people in the church saying I better shut my mouth and keep my opinions to myself if I knew what was good for me. On top of all that they tried to split up my wife and I who was still my girlfriend at the time saying that I was being blasphemous and was a sinner to the worst degree.

Fortunately my wife was also level headed and would tell them to stop talking to her. Once she graduated from high she left the church with me and we went to another church that our friends went to. I was very hesitant and walked on eggshells around this new church because of how the last one treated me. Well not 1 month after we started this new church we found out my wife was pregnant. Knowing I couldn’t provide for my wife and child on a college student’s salary I decided to join the military.

We got 3 months before I left and everything went smoothly. Her parents we less than happy but pushed aside their feelings and concerns to ensure that we had an amazing wedding.

After boot camp I went to my school in the military which was 2 years long and my wife moved in with me. I was finally away from all the church and Christian influences and with a baby on the way I decided to find my own beliefs and happiness. I believed for 5 years that god didn’t have an influence in our lives just that he created us and let us live out our lives.

It was always an awkward conversation to have with my wife but we still loved each other very much and we were willing to work things out not only our marriage but for our daughters healthy life as well.

Fast forward to February of this year, I had hurt myself and was diagnosed with two herniated discs and degenerative disc disease and was in constant pain. I was told I couldn’t do my job in the military any more and that I was probably going to be separated with the next 6 months. I decided to pray to god for not only relief from pain but to find happiness as I had discovered that nothing in life expect my family gave me happiness or joy which put me in worst mental health situation I’ve ever had in my life. I heard no answer and decided that this stuff I had believed in for the majority of my life was false.

I never told my wife as I thought I would destroy our marriage since the topic of religion was already a sore spot. I finally work up the courage to tell her 1 month ago every that I had found out and my new beliefs. At first she was silent and said she needed time to think. She told me her thoughts 2 days later and said she still loves me but isn’t happy about my decision.

I have fallen into a deep depression since because my injury has gotten worse to the point that I can’t pick up my children. I look to my wife for comfort and love but all I see is shame and pain when she looks at me. I don’t know how much more I can take and I can’t live much longer like this.