why is it so hard to detach from something you know is no good for you but you can't seem to help but want anyway? I want to make it clear he was never abusive.

this wrong-un that is my headfuck of an ex has re-entered my emotional orbit again, lingering for an uncomfortable amount of time. he was my first everything. but I don't think that's why I'm still tethered. it's solely because of HIM - the person, not the sequence.

it was 2019. then, I a romantically stunted 22F [had not ever been as much as kissed] on a tunnel vision mission to get laid I signed up to a dodgy sex dating site for those as depraved as I. he, a drop dead gorgeous 29M looking like Michaelangelo chiseled himself [I kid you not], slid into my DMs. I got pretty fucking lucky as he was truly a needle in a haystack and I was willing to burn in hell for sins of the flesh. we met that same night, he had his way with me in the back seat of his car and I became a changed woman.

he treated me well in the bedroom but not so much out of it. we dated, broke up. he wanted to be friends, he ghosted. reconnected, he flirted. we became friends, he ghosted again...

I don't think I can bring myself to hate or resent him. yet, I'm struggling with the closure of this chapter in my life because a lot feels unresolved. I didn't know the last time I saw him would be the last time I'd ever see him. his ghosting is so cruel. knowing it hurt me the first time only to do it again. I don't know how he could re-enter my world knowing the way he left hurt me only to leave the same way again. bereft. I can't sit here & say I'm heartbroken because I'm not. I'm bewildered. he's left a tear rendered in scar tissue, tender to the touch. wounding me. my heart & stomach are tied up in knots.

by no means was I picture perfect in our relationship; but I treated him with kindness, consideration & with good faith he didn't have the decency to reciprocate. we were eachother's primary romantic interest at the time. more than fuck buddies because we engaged in things beyond the bounds of the bedroom. I met his friends, family, we engaged in social activities etc. I never demanded anything more of him once since I didn't actually go into things beyond the expectation of a one-night stand.

I wasn't exactly imagining becoming Mrs ****** and having his children neither was I putting on pressure to officially be in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. it was new to me and I was happy with what it was. if ever the future in which I was present mentioned, it was always from his mouth.

I don't know how to reconcile being semi-secure in myself yet not feeling worthy of his interest because he was so handsome, intelligent & talented. why'd he bother with me? what could he have possibly seen? will someone like him ever like me again? was he the best I'll ever have? he easily had a first class degree when it came to looks, whereas I have a third at most. I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm neither ugly or beautiful. just neutral. you don't long to stare but at the same time you're not averting your gaze. I tell myself that I will find someone like him but better I don't know if I believe that anymore.

it's incredible the amount of tolerance one's able to fork out for a partner when blinded by their financial, social or aesthetic value. his unacceptable behaviour was overlooked because I was so clouded by his charisma, sexual prowess & attractiveness. it's seductive to settle.

he was incredibly careless, selfish & cowardly. self aware, but did nothing about it, which is worse than not knowing at all. ignorance can be forgiven once, but it's insidious to know you're quote, "tricky, hurtful, unpredictable & inconsistent" but make no effort to change or rectify said behaviour. it's a blatant display of disregard and disrespect to me. yet I can't deny the connection we had, the chemistry, the ease, the electricity that emanated between us. I don't think it can be faked [unless I was with some sort of narcissistic psychopath with an avoidant attachment style]? I was simply a blip on the radar of him getting his dick wet. I meant nothing more to him than a piece of gum, once the flavour he desired was gone he tossed me aside. even though he knows the "special place I [he] have [has] in your [my] heart".

then there's the complication of me possibly having been pregnant in January, missing my period for the first time ever in 9 years, followed by an unusually heavy period considering I was on birth control. it was 2020 that's why I didn't really pay close attention to that. I mentioned this, he acted like I'd said nothing.

he gaslight me with excuses when we broke-up even though he gave off the most mixed of signals. bringing up how our cultural differences would stop me from integrating into his religious family despite knowing we were different from the beginning. I never demanded anything more of him once and yet he made it seem like I was too much to handle and deal with leaning on him for support even though he assured me he would be there to support me after a violent SA. I told him as I thought it was relevant. he took it so well intially and reassured me and I thought he was a good egg but when he broke up with me he sort of threw it in my face saying that it was like emotional labour that he'd dealt with his ex and he wasn't down for that again even though he said he'd be there for me and we could talk about it. but then I was too much when I wanted to lean on him for the support he'd said he'd give.

sometimes I don't feel the hurt anymore, but incandescent with rage. having been analytical, taking rose tinted glasses off, via the clarity of friends, I can assertively snatch the pedestal I put ***** on from underneath him. I'm insulted to have been mistreated as if I was worthless. I'm disappointed & ashamed I let it happen. I deserved better & deserve better now. words not followed up by action are empty promises meant to pacify. potential doesn't equate to reality.

to me his vices were irredeemable against his virtues even if the sum of them was greater. it's easy to be blindsided by all the highs, compartmentalising the lows. he's by no means a villain or bad person but he's certainly not a good one. good people won't treat you like that.

so whilst I know all this I cannot rationalise the way I feel and how much I miss him. I have no idea if this makes any sense. I have the invasive thought of turning up to one of his gigs [he's a drummer] but I'm trying to resist and not be that crazy ex. thanks for reading if you got this far.

and if you're wondering why I'm not talking to friends about this - I don't really have any and everyone is asleep. so whilst this does feel like an emergency for me, I'm aware it really isn't for those around me.