(22)M

My childhood was ruinous, incredibly disfunctional, and I've endured plenty of traumas.

Even though I've managed to clean my psyche of plenty of distresses through self analysis, deep meditation, spiritual and intellectual work, there's a seemingly inextricable void on my guts, as if the fire that is the human soul wasn't capable of surviving such brutal, mind-numbing experiences.

I don't think there's a point to describe what I've seen and experienced, but when I wasn't even 10 I attacked my father with a knife on fear and slit my knees with a razor blade as I watched the blood fall. I was homeschooled till 11 with a drug addict father and a mentally ill mother, violence and misery were my days. At 11 I would punch walls till my hands bleed, suffered bullying through school, at 14 I was so distressed I used to go with a knife to my bedroom and hide it under my pillow. At 18 I developped a drug addiction because weed made me feel normal for the first time, ended up suffering with the most stupidly intense OCD (very strong intrusive thoughts, as if a demonic was controlling me), acted out in stupid ways and basically spent months on a pure, dark, ghastly nightmare, as I would constantly fear to be imprisioned or mortally Ill, through commiting a crime or disease.

At around 20 I had a psychosis where I saw the emotional effects of my traumas. I felt I had been with the devil, and a sage, in a moment, as I felt my physical body die countless times, he told me, on an ecstatic expansion, that no man deserves to see all wars of the world, nor to experience them - for a moment, I wished I could be like Atlas, carrying the suffering and agony of mankind and to give freedom to all cosmos of pain. I saw my, vividly, my inner child being strangulated and going into brain death - I felt, however, it hadn't felt a spiritual death, and that I could be one with ir again.

It was as if I was in such a sensitive state that there stopped to be barrier a barrier between unconscious and conscious, and I could see all my angels and demons.

The product of my unconscious mind gave me an insight which, after convalescence, resulted in way less intrusive thoughts and fear of death and knowledge.

I've stopped all drugs since then and spent at least a hour meditating daily, were I've gained plenty of insights and I truly feel my mind and acts are, gradually, more and more in tune with my real, unobscured desires. My intrusive thoughts are way, way weaker and my outlook on life has been turned upside down and I truly believe life is beautiful.

But even though I understand the duality of the human mind and could infer the paradise and light from the hell and death of my life, I feel empty, as if I had spent years on the amidst a thunderous and ravaging sea to find the map of the paradise, and yet there is no way to know the direction of that heavenly place I so dearly yearned. Through the fact that my mind Isn't separate from the world, it is as if one of the fundamental layers of reality is permeated with pain, same way the geology of a terrain is layered.

I compare this amorphous feeling to the uncanny realization that you can never grow a limb has has been amputated, and that somehow that vital part of my being was taken from me to never be found again - or the way a christian may never attain redemption and is condemned to suffering.

I've been feeling good generally, and I'm still working on it, but this feeling has been persistent for me. I've been alone the majority of time dealing with this.