(Disclosure - It’s been a year since this moment in my life happened, I left out a few areas because this story is long enough as it is. I’m posting this as a reflection of a past experience of my life and not in any means to bash anyone in particular. I didn’t realize how much I typed until I was done, Thank you for your time reading this.)

I wasn’t in a relationship with this person, more so friends in high school (but I had deep feelings for her at one point), I’ll refer to her as G.

I decided to fly out of state to visit G for her graduation. She moved to another state and graduated from another school. At the time I had a girlfriend and I had no intention to cheat but I never really let go of those old feelings I once had.

Anyways G had a boyfriend and lived with him also had another guy on the side that her boyfriend never knew about. She was very adamant about me not mentioning anything about the other guy to her boyfriend or mentioning anything about her boyfriend to the other guy she was seeing. I wasn’t happy about her situation but I went along because I wasn’t there to be all in her business like that, In my mind I thought to myself “I’m here for your graduation and to spend some time with you”.

I stayed for a week, we visit a few places around town, I meet some of her family, I even attended her sister’s graduation. Anyways during this time she was having arguments with her boyfriend. (Ig he suspected that me and her were doing things while he was at work, she blatantly lied and ignored him). She decides she doesn’t want to stay with him the night before her graduation.

The other guy she was talking to got a motel room. Me, her and him stayed in the room that night. We got snacks and stuff and we did shrooms. I’m not sure if the shrooms were fake or just I didn’t eat enough. It was my first time and I took a good amount for a micro dose. but that night I didn’t really feel no type of high or effects from eating them.

So im laying there in bed with them watching adult swim waiting. purposefully staying up to feel some kind of effect or something. Both of them laid up next to eachother and she had this giant pillow that was separating me from them.

We spoke and had little conversations but as time went by the room began to get quieter with the tv still on and I’m on my phone watching videos and texting my girlfriend. I hear them making out and playing around at first I was thinking “not my business I’m not gonna make a big deal out of it”.

Than I begin to feel the mattress gently moving, and hearing G quietly moaning, G occasionally looks over at me to check if I’m still up. At this point I’m piecing this shit together thinking “are these mfs really fucking around next to me”. Not sure if they were fingering/handjob or straight up fucking eachother but they were doing something.

For probably 30 mins I don’t say nothing about it. But I start to get irritated and frustrated that their doing shit literally behind me. The shrooms weren’t kicking in as I expected it would. So than I decide “imma just try and get some sleep”.

I’m laying there and as they continued I start to ask myself “why tf am I even here, I know why I’m here but why am I HERE in this moment” and so on feeling like I’m losing my mind. At some point I couldn’t take it anymore, got up and decided to get some air. As I was leaving I tell them imma get some air. They ask me if I’m okay and I lie and say “yeah I just need some fresh air”

We were in a motel on a mountain, and outside the motel was a field of grass and a fire hydrant, I walk out to the fire hydrant and sit there looking over the city lights. It’s the middle of the night and misty outside. I put on some music and sat there questioning everything about that night and my life, thoughts racing. Thinking maybe coming here was a mistake and so on. Eventually I broke down crying, fighting hard not to, feeling numb and invisible as I started to realize those old feelings never really went away and felt like I wasn’t in a place where could’ve done something about it because like I said I was there for her graduation and had no intentions to cheat on the girl I was with.

30-45 mins later they both come outside looking for me and find me sitting there crying. I can’t remember what all the guy said but he tried lending advice which wasn’t helping at all. G stood in front of me asking me what was wrong and trying to figure out what was going on. I barely speak a sentence, I didn’t know how to express any of the feelings I was feeling mainly because I didn’t know how to express any of it. The thoughts racing around my head, my heart caving into itself, my legs were shaking terribly, I was completely weak and shattered inside.

She offered a hug and asked if It was something she did, and I sat there struggling to give any kind of answer about what was going on with me and how I was feeling. She ends up giving me a hug anyways as I’m sitting there numb and speechless.

Eventually we walk back into the room and it was pretty silent that night. I slept on the couch and they slept on the bed. At one point She asks me if I’m okay and if I want to sleep on the bed and I ignored her. I struggled to sleep the rest of that night because the thought of them doing stuff again lingered. At some point I manage to fall asleep.

Next morning we gather all our stuff and don’t say much. I felt terrible that all of that even happened and the way I reacted. Later that morning we didn’t talk much about it but I apologized wanted to leave it in the past.

Returning home I told my girlfriend about it but with that and my mental state at the time our relationship ended up coming to an end. My aim was to have a healthier relationship with with her but with my mental state it wasn’t possible.

I began to go to therapy and seek help. I had too much in me bottled up from my past (including other events/areas in my childhood). I haven’t been diagnosed with any type of illness. Since then I’ve been focused to take better care of myself, treat myself better, and living a healthier mindset and approach to my life.

To this day I can only reflect on that day as I felt like giving up on myself. It’s been a year since this all has happened. To this day Me and G don’t talk anymore and I hold no grudges or resentment or ill feelings towards her. That experience lead me to getting the help I needed.