TW: Depression, feeling of going through w suicide

I have had a rough upbringing, lost my father to brain cancer when I was 10 and then brought up in a female centric household (which I'm very grateful for), I have (I think) grown up to be a kind, emotionally sensitive person who makes sure he's being kind to the world around him.

Since we were never really financially stable, I found myself working when I was 17, in a BPO here in India which was v unethical work and I hated every bit of it. Worked there till I was 20 because I loved the financial freedom (I was a college student) but the guilt had me running away, and after college, the pandemic hit and I started working as a work from home writer for a SaaS company.

3 more jobs later, I have made sure my mother and my aunt live comfortably and although we are still always a bit lacking in finances, we lead a so-so life with a cat I adopted during the pandemic. He's the love of my life and I'd do anything for him.

When I was young, at my father's funeral, this old man comes to me and says "Beta, ab sab tumhe hi dekhna hai" (Son, you'll have to take care of everything now) and those words have been ringing in my ears for 16 years straight now.

Taking care of others around me, I neglected myself during those years, picked up smoking and ruined my 20s.

Having going through severe burnout and depression from all these years, I have developed a lack of enjoyment in this life. I can't seem to partake in photography, which used to fuel me and make me go on to the next day and everything else, I've forsaken.

Today, a tooth decay I have been ignoring for years has finally grown into a swelling on my upper jaw and 3 years ago, I would've been terrified of the dentist but I'm not.

But I CANNOT stop crying over how EXPENSIVE it'll get, and now I can't get rid of the fact that it's the expense that's so scary to me because I've never had someone pay hella money for me, everything I have today, I have bought with my own money (except for my clothes, thanks mum) but the fact that I'll be spending so much of someone else's money on myself just for something I could've avoided if I wasn't depressed and took care of my dental hygiene when I was supposed to.

I cannot shake the feeling of how huge the expense is and I'd never be able to pay it because of how burntout I am and my inability to work anywhere else.

I'm so sick of this life. I really don't want to live another day and everyday I wake up thinking "I really wish something off'd me today".

I went to worship the Shivling (My aunt is religious and I figured I'd try too, since I'm not getting any other help otherwise) and all I could ask from the Gods were to just relieve me from this life.

I don't know how long I could go on, I'm so tired.

If you read all the way here, thank you. I appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful day and this post doesn't bring your shine down.