I've been contemplating for months owning a gun. I am a good shot and that's really it besides maybe the aesthetic of guns reminding me of childhood video games. I liked it with a bow and arrow in boy scouts too of just being okay at something and doing it recreationally. it's not a hobby I want to pursue but more of an anxiety of home defense.

i have a long history of mental illness so I am number one on the register not to own a gun, and I have far more other grounded hobbies but this intrusive thought has gotten worse over the last several months. I worry because I know recently i've been in a moment of self harm and I don't know if I could ever kill myself with a gun, but I don't know why I want one so bad. I hate growing up with all these school shootings that make me anxious for my niece and nephew and any future kids. i hate war and despite doing a military program in high school, I would never join. I hate murder and killing and gun violence in general.

so why do I keep having this intrusive thought?