kind of long so bare with me. i am aware that i may sound harsh in this post, but i wrote it the way i truly feel and realize it’s not the nicest. just to give a more realistic idea of what i feel and think on a regular basis.

my boyfriend and i (f & m 22) have been together for nearly two years and i don’t know what’s wrong with me. he’s the perfect guy on paper: he’s ambitious and hard working, he’s genuinely kind and he loves me a lot. and yet the entire time we’ve been together it feels like i’ve been finding excuses to not like him. i do think i feel genuine love for him (although i have always felt like he loves me more) but it still feels like something has been missing. some examples of this: when he says or does things i don’t like i let him know and he apologizes but says i nitpick at his personality too much. i often dismiss it because i think he’s being dramatic or overly sensitive, which i am starting to realize is not a normal reaction and makes me wonder if i don’t actually love him because i think people in love are willing to make compromises and sacrifices. i am honestly not. i think i’m just too selfish to be in a relationship.

i also had a run-in with a guy i used to hook up with and i realized that while my boyfriend and i have lots of sex and i enjoy it, i don’t think i’m fully attracted to him, especially not physically. i don’t know what butterflies feel like, or what a magnetic pull of attraction to someone i love feels like. i had it with this guy and all those feelings came back. and thanks to reading so many reddit posts (haha) i knew to cut him off before i acted in a way that could be considered unfaithful but it opened my eyes to the possibility that this relationship is not right for me. however i don’t want to be throwing my relationship away for what could just be a grass-is-greener mentality. basically should i throw away something reliable and stable, but not fairy tale love, for something passionate and electric or just to be alone and focus on myself, as i am pursuing many opportunities post-grad and working on being more self-sufficient?

i come from a culture that encourages women to stay with the man who offers them financial security and stability, even if they’re not head over heels in love with them. as a result, the only advice i have received is to stay with him, from women who don’t know what it’s like to be in love and think i am asking for too much by wanting both stability AND passion; they believe it’s one or the other and don’t care much for passion as long as he’s a man who works hard and provides. but i feel like i don’t want that for myself. even then i have no reason to break up with him: all we have in common is that we love each other, but it’s really nice to have someone to rely on and talk to and spend time with. i don’t know if i’m asking for too much, or what a normal healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

another note for the ladies out there: when i ovulate, i honestly do not like my boyfriend and it’s been this way the entire time and he has no idea. i pick fights for no reason and am honestly a shitty partner. my doctor told me it’s normal to feel this way for about a week or so, but i just feel wrong and feel like my boyfriend shouldn’t have to put up with it. does this happen to anyone else?

tl;dr my boyfriend is perfect on paper but for some reason something still feels like it’s missing and i don’t know if it’s true or if it’s just me being selfish and expecting too much