This is the first time I've ever done something like this but I saw a post from this community that gave me confidence in wanting to get some much needed stress out.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 2 year's now and have been living with her in an apartment. She's helped me with a lot in my life, hugely helping with the realization that my mother was extremely narcissistic and controlling which caused me to be kicked out of my original living situation thus started us to live together.

The main point of this though is that she is Polyamorous and I am monogamous.

I've known she's been Poly since the first day we dated because she lmk, and things were of course rocky when it came to the relationship and figuring things out. Around the 1 year mark her mother passed and around that same time my mother gave me the boot after I stood my ground against her. I'm not comfortable talking about my "attempt" (hope that word is ok with putting 2 and 2 together) but that really hurt her around that period aswell. Today I found out that she's resented me for it and feels like she can't continue a relationship not only due to that but due to the fact that our sexualities don't align that things weren't going to work out. She's discussed in the past how my action caused her to feel, but never once did she open up on the level she did today and I guess it just really hurts. She has talked repeatedly about our future, about how she's excited to move together (that was the original plan recently), we've had arguments in the relationship that are small and big and have communicated about what was negative and what we could do to make her not feel this or make me not feel like that, essentially the comfort or solution method. We talked A LOT recently about everything and she is willing to figure things out and we also communicated about her feelings but that if I am not ok with her being Poly that we at the end of the day cannot be together.

Now comes what I've been leading up to, sorry I needed to fill some lore in 😂 I love this girl to pieces, and with what I know and have heard from her she loves me a lot aswell and wants things to work. So I looked up Polyamory and tried to learn about it a little bit so I could get a better understanding of what could feel comfortable or could work or if it just wasn't what I was into and I found out there's more than just Polyamarous itself. With everything I've seen it sounds like something I'd be willing to give a shot and so I sat down with her and discussed everything I looked up and asked her questions and she came off.... Very aggressive? She gets very overwhelmed easily which me being someone who's been in multiple abusive relationships, I don't want my partner to feel any kindve way negative but I have a habit of wanting to get to the bottom of why I caused her to feel that way and it only makes her more overwhelmed. But this time it just felt... Different if that makes sense? And after talking to her about a lot of it and all the different styles she mentioned to me she's into "Kitchen Table" Poly (sorry I'm still very new to a lot of these terms). So I decided to look it up and after reading it it makes me feel very suspicious about her true feelings. I'm going to be very open here and blunt with my wording, in the past she used to post nudes on Reddit and make sexual posts about her wanting or wishing her roomates would use her for free, or that she'd get walked in on and essentially fucked on the spot and whenever she talked about college she'd talk about how her living experience in the dorms was she hung out with the guys or would talk about how she was friends with all her ex's friends/roomates when she and him dormed at the time, but with everything she's talked about to me about her feelings of being Poly it doesn't feel like it lines up or at least she doesn't seem to come off as Kitchen Table Poly but is diehard about how she is. She describes it as having the freedom to do and choose as she wants to because nobody else can tell her how to live her life. But she also sees the boundaries and communication of Polyamory as an issue because they feel like rules or don't "allow" her to do something and I just feel like that's not at all what Poly is. From what I've googled and read it seems like communication and what the 2 or more people feel comfortable with matters a LOT but I can't tell if I'm crazy and overthinking this or that there truly is something else maybe more mentally for her? I just feel really confused honestly. Throughout the relationship I've noticed when she talks about rules and boundaries or authority figures/parental figures "allowing" her to do something she has a very "I'm a independent women and nobody can tell me how to live my life" attitude about it. She compares it to how men make women feel less by targetting them for things and saying they can't do this or that which again confuses me because to me I understand that example but... Isn't Polyamory, even KTP still hugely about communication and boundaries and working together for everyone to feel safe and comfortable with? Again it's why I'm so confused and feel like there's more to it all but I'm nervous to even bring that up due to coming off in a way she may not like or want to hear. If you've read this far I am so sorry for how long it was LOL but um... Yea that's really it. Hope you are having a good day or night :)