i feel like all the effects of having autism is only catching up to me now that I'm 19. I may have had so much social problems at school but I never had academic problems throughout school as a child, I was hyperlexic even, I would read books every second I was able to. But now I can't focus on anything unless it's my special interest that is snail mailing, but even that sometimes I can't focus on it. I take so long to read all the materials I need for my university program. I can't get myself to focus on work at all. It takes me longer than it should to finish a small assignment. I feel so ashamed of myself. Sorry that this paragraph makes no sense, I can't write for shit. I can't arrange my thoughts properly and write anymore. I used to have so much fun writing when I was younger but now I couldn't hate it more. I'm very scared I won't graduate. I can't fail. I can't afford to. I have no other choice. I can't make stable money off my art because I can't get myself to promote myself on social media for shit. God I'm so pathetic. I'm so tired of myself being a failure. I feel like I'm trying my hardest but it's nowhere near enough. And this is all I'm capable of.

I want to get treatment for autism so bad but I'm scared it will go on my record and ruin my job opportunities in the future especially because I want to work in the psychology field, I want to be a school therapist. But even if I want to get a diagnosis chances are I can't in Thailand where people still use the term aspergers and there's literally no resources for autistic adults at all. I fucking hate it here. My parents do not understand it. I wish I wasn't the way I am. I fucking hate myself.