I’m (33F) having trouble coming to terms with the fact that my ex-lover (28M) is likely a narc. He has a lot of the traits: pathological liar, dating/sleeping/cheating with multiple women at once, no accountability for his actions (never apologized to me for lying), gaslighting, deflecting, future faking, blame shifting/manipulating. He’s also very money-obsessed and is always working on ways to make more. Yet he borrowed money from me but then never paid me back. Our relationship was often hot and cold and highly emotional.

But then there are elements of our relationship that don’t align with the typical narc abuse pattern. He didn’t lovebomb me - we started as friends, then had an intense sexual relationship, then fell in love. I foolishly ignored red flags in the beginning, but we had both agreed it would just be fun, temporary, and non-committed bc he was only in my city a year (he’s an international PhD student). He never put me down, called me names, criticized me, or anything direct like that. He was always complimenting me, encouraging me, telling me what a good person I am, telling me to find a good man after he left, telling me he didn’t want to hurt me, telling me to end our relationship if it being noncommittal was hurtful to me. He was vulnerable with me and told me personal things about his childhood, his past relationships, his anxiety, etc. He told me he would always remember me in a positive way and that he wanted us to see each other again someday. Without meaning to, we both fell in love and told each other so, and I really believe he got very attached to me even though he didn’t plan to. I know he still loves me to this day.

It just doesn’t make sense. When he returned to his home country, I found out he’s had a serious gf there he lied to me about over and over. I was crushed. Gutted. Any planned or imagined future with him was gone. After I got him to finally confess and he angrily tried to blame-shift one last time, I went no contact. I then had a nervous breakdown and completely crashed. He’s the first person I’ve ever said “I love you” to. The most painful heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I’m still picking up the pieces weeks later. I am a sexual assault survivor, and realizing he lied to me to get sex from me triggered that wound. I felt used and objectified. It’s been torture.

I guess my question is, is he a narcissist? Or just a toxic liar/cheater? I know at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. But I just struggle so much with knowing if it was real love, or just a trauma bond. If it wasn’t real love, was I just used? Or was I just a naive woman who got into a situationship thinking I could handle NSA and this is essentially just hurt feelings?

And how do I move on? And there was another woman in my city he had a relationship with that I knew about, but she didn’t know about me. Do I contact her, or leave it alone? She’s still in touch with him and I think she thinks he’s her bf still.