It’s been an emotional holiday season that barely feels like a holiday season at all. I went to the altar at church this Sunday, crying, just throwing in the towel hoping for God to show himself. Still waiting for that.

Yesterday, I finished a project I’ve legit been working on every single day since May. Today has been the first day all year I’ve been able to do nothing and enjoy a bit of holiday chill, and then outta nowhere a bill came in the mail for a psych ward visit I had during a suicidal episode FOUR FREAKING YEARS AGO. The amount is a lot of money in my situation right now and today of all days it has to show up.

I try not to overspiritualize things, but something that’s always been taught in my church was that Satan loves attacking right when we have something good happen. It can’t be a coincidence that as soon as I finish one of the best and toughest creative projects I’ve ever done, I get something to remind me of my absolute lowest points (being forced to spend five hours in a disturbing mental ward of a community hospital in Brooklyn). If anyone has any agreements/disagreements/advice, that would be helpful.

I couldn’t even have 24 hours of relaxing before the bill showed up, like a ghost of the worst year of my life. I’m holding it together because some extended family is staying over for the new year’s, but I just want to cry and not get out of bed tomorrow morning. Any prayers for finding consistent work would be really really appreciated. I’ve gotten some gig work in my field with editing for some connections, but right now another gig or a consistent job, even if freelancing for a church or something, would be the best thing. I keep trying to exist and make a life for myself, but everywhere I go it’s like something is saying “No.”