Both my grandmothers gone in a year. The second one passed the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I’ve graduated college but am still struggling finding work, just taking random gigs that come my way to keep paying off some debt.

I hate God to my very bones. But being furious with a deity that doesn’t talk is exhausting after a while, so I’m trying to look at everything I have and have had this past year, and yes, thank God in the process.

My parents have family-centered hearts, and have no qualms about me staying with them while I look for work and potentially moving out for work. They’ve even been open about helping to take care of debt while I get on my feet; they know how absolutely horrendous economy and competitive job markets are, especially in my field. I have an Associate’s and a Bachelor’s degree, one of which from a huge private college. I still have a tribe of college friends who know me, respect me, and a good chunk even love me. I got to go on some dates with a Methodist gal I had a huge crush on before I graduated. I remember almost every detail, and though it didn’t go further like I wanted, I’m still really glad it happened and that she enjoyed the time together. God and the University of Miami gave me a full ride, and I’m only 11K in debt. My depression is still extremely bad, but it’s not debilitating or at the point of considering suicide or self harm like I used to. Because I’ve been unemployed, I was able to spend last moments with my second grandmother, hold her some more before she passed. I was there to hold my mom as she’s been dealing with the loss of her mom. I’ve been able to spend more time investing in the relationship with my dad and even my little brothers.

I don’t know where stuff is gonna go and the control freak in me absolutely hates it. But, for now, I’m still finding random work, applying for work, and even creating my own projects that might go somewhere. I don’t know if I’m at the place of full surrender yet, because I’m terrified I won’t find anything or meet God or peace like everyone says. And it’ll be more hope deferred, and more sickness and bitterness. For now I’m just trying to say thank you.

To everyone else who’s experienced a loss this Christmas season, I pray the best for you.