My grandmother, my mom’s mom, passed away just six-ish hours ago. Cancer, a fight that lasted pretty much half of the year. Over the years I kept myself emotionally distant, as I saw how horribly she treated my mom, to the point of even making her cry over the phone for no reason. She gaslit my younger sister years ago into self starvation for a figure.

My mom and my sister both continuously forgave her and moved on, despite her being constantly self-centered for every little thing. I’m 23, and respectfully, people like that are the last people I even want to share a phone call with, whether they’re related or not.

I cried in the hospital seeing the corpse though. I’m feeling kind of down that she explicitly and obviously favored me, being her first grandchild, out of all my siblings and I, but out of all my living family members I probably favored her the least. Still though, it sucks, and sucks more seeing my mother utterly broken today.

When I had to practically drag grandma into the house last week because she couldn’t walk, she called it our first dance and talked about it like we were literally on a ballroom floor together. I don’t know if she was aware of what was really happening. Later she confused me for being my dad.

Lack of forgiveness or self-forgiveness, and letting things go are some perpetual vices I have. I’m trying to avoid going into full blown self punishment (another vice) mode. If anyone’s got any advice I’m all ears. If not, prayers for my mom would be great either way.