I’ve been trying to get my legs under me since graduating this year. I’ve had some odd gigs and work, recently got a short job for screenwriting that I just finished. At the same time I’ve been handling insane depression that’s bled into nearly every aspect of my life and mental state, but it’s gotten so exhausting I don’t see a way forward.

Part of me wants to tell God I’m done trying to get it all done myself, and just sit back. Not that I don’t keep searching and working hard, but find some way to be open and actually have hope in God again. Another part of me is just so jaded with anything to do with Christianity, and I know I’m the last person who deserves a miraculous job or life opportunity or spouse or financial breakthrough. So I don’t want to start having hope just to get shot down again like how it’s gone all year for me.

Any advice would be helpful. I don’t even know how to really surrender. It feels like I’ve been in survival mode for four years thanks to college, and I’m still there, just clawing to get through day after day, only depending on myself and my own two feet. Other than me, any prayers for my cancer-ridden grandmother would be appreciated. She couldn’t eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family and I, and she’s been taken to the hospital this evening. The feeding tubes inside her body got discombobulated or something, we don’t know what’s gonna happen. If she’s gonna go, or stay, I hope either or happens soon – this whole season has been torturous for my mother, watching her own mom degrade. Grandmother is so far gone she thought I was my dad the other day.

Thanks, happy turkey day.