My maternal grandmother has been fighting cancer and a tumor (and some sort of new developing cancer on top of that) since mid-2024. This week is my first time seeing her in person, pretty much confirming a gut feeling I’ve been having that it’s just a matter of time. I got the same gut feeling when I was in college and got the phone call my paternal grandmother had a stroke and my dad was with her at the hospital. Didn’t tell anyone, but I had a pit in my chest that just knew she’d be going any minute.

She looks inhuman; like an uncanny ghost. Her mind is already fading; she woke up thinking she ordered food while we’re in a car on the highway, thinks we’re torturing her because she’s constantly in pain that we can’t do anything about. I had to hug her and carry her into the house cause she could barely walk. She called it the “first dance with my first grandson” when I sat her down. I don’t know if she was recalling a memory or actually had a moment of clarity to make a joke of some kind.

Even my dad has admitted to me he knows it’s just a matter of time as well, with the exception a miracle happens. My mom is practically losing her mind, growing more impatient, probably still in pure denial. Doesn’t help her mom’s already snobby and jerky attitude is now being magnified because of her pain. My dad is trying to keep patient with mom, but I can tell mom is a bad argument away from throwing in the towel and not helping her own mom anymore.

And on top of that, first Thanksgiving without my paternal grandmother.

I don’t really feel much of anything. Just trying to do everything I can to chip in. It seems like a blessing in disguise that I don’t have a full time job yet and I’m there to stay sane and stoic and take care of my brothers while my parents walk out the house to argue once an hour or so.

If you guys have any advice on dealing with this kind of thing on practical and emotional/spiritual levels that would be great. I don’t feel as emotional about this grandmother as much as I did the other, but I’m trying to stay sensitive enough to be a team player. It feels like I’m just waiting for the really bad day, hospital trip, and death. I don’t really have any hope anymore. I don’t blame God or feel angry at Him. Something clicked into my head today that God might be removing the remaining parents of my parents, to help the two of them draw closer to each other in the aftermath. I’m keeping that to myself, don’t know if it’s clarity from God or what.

I’m talkin too much at this point. Happy Thanksgiving.