In March of this year, right before I (M23) graduated college, I ended a two-year relationship with a woman (39). The foundations of it were not healthy, let alone biblical but I ignored the red flags like an idiot because I have been so freaking lonely my whole life, and finally got the kind of attention from a Christian woman I’ve begged God for and have been starving for. There were pleasures, yeah, but also a lot of hurts and sacrifices made and stress endured for the sake of it.

The breakup was one of the worst weekends of my whole life, and it still feels raw and unreal, going from talking to someone 24/7 for two years to absolutely nothing. I know it’s the best thing for the both of us (and has been for me in some ways), but I feel guilty for causing her a lot of heartbreak as well. Since that weekend, I’ve grown more and more angry and empty and depressed and bitter than I’ve ever been before.

Today I listened to Linkin Park’s new album, and a song (Stained) felt like I was hearing her yell at me for ending the relationship and all the pain has come flooding back. I so, so desperately want to hear her voice again. See if she’s doing okay. Her father was incredibly sick (cancer) and I worry he’s passed and I wasn’t there for her. (Ironically my own grandmother is now fighting cancer, and losing.) There are so many things in my daily life now that I see, and I see her, and it hurts so much. I know it’s better to not go back at all. But it’s so, so lonely.

Any encouragement to stay away or Christian or dude-advice would be really appreciated. I’ve been crying for the past hour trying to keep myself from reaching out. Might put on Madden if I can’t sleep.