I rarely feel conviction from God anymore. Like when I was a teen, and gave in to something, I’d feel anxious and queasy cause I was fully aware I sinned. Now, I’m still fully aware, but don’t feel bad, and don’t really ask for forgiveness first thing anymore. Ive asked God to remove addictions so much but since he never did it or transformed or cured me like he seems to do for other Christians, somewhere along the line I stopped feeling anything. Why repent if I know I’m just gonna do it again tomorrow? Or in an hour?

The last big time I “heard” God speak was when I was in a sexting/online relationship with someone (for two years) and something in my head said “you’ll never find anything real so long as you’re with her.” I ended things with her a week later, but now I’m just doubly alone and empty, and God’s even further away. I regret listening to him. So, I went back to my ways to cope with the emptiness.

I rarely feel regret about being a jerk to someone. Or meditating on thoughts or fantasies of violence. I enjoy the world a whole lot less. The sunsets are dimmer, I still dislike insects (Florida life), and I can’t count how often the word “hate” appears in my head throughout the day.

I’m not trying to diagnose myself as a sociopath, but I think something clicked or broke somewhere. I don’t know what.