Two weeks ago marked ten years of having dedicated myself to being a Christian as well as being addicted to pornography. I’m less of a Christian now and even more of an addict, and depression has been an everyday curse for four years. I’ve suffered abuses via my parents, went through life-endangering self harm, and I’ve grown sick of church and even reading the Bible.

I’ve begged God countless times to remove my sex drive, so I can finally live in peace and try to be a “real Christian.” I hit the gym, I keep myself busy, but nothing has worked. God still refuses to do anything. And yeah, I’ve been on the search for a wife. The options have grown thinner and thinner with every church I go to. So, I keep going back to porn to fill the void. Ignore the pain for another day.

God has gotten me to cool places like a dream college and gotten me what I needed to survive and even excel. But despite that I’ve tried to form some sort of relationship and I’ve only found silence. I’ve fought and I’ve denied myself and fasted and confessed time and time again, and still, silence.

I’ve been trying to abandon Christianity entirely but I find myself unable to. Probably because I don’t want to go to Hell, but it’s hard to even love God anymore. All these rules and standards paired with all these burdens to go along with his silence has been driving me up the wall.

I know I’m weak. I can’t do this anymore.