All day yesterday and now today I’ve been dealing with horrible sleep and bad fatigue. Last night while watching football and trying to think things over I whispered to God that I think he’s a coward for hiding himself and a disappointment.

Later before I slept, though I was exhausted, I felt I should give it one more go and opened the youversion Bible app. The daily verse was Psalm 34:18, which I used to regard as my favorite Bible verse. That verse helped me survive when I was suicidal and now it just feels like insult to injury. Just thinking about that verse brings back flashbacks to when my self harm injuries were fresh and still stung on my shoulders.

Whats so frustrating is that god is the reason I’m brokenhearted. He’s why I feel betrayed and crushed. So why would he just be a jerk about it and still keep himself so far away while showing me that verse?

I don’t want to do anything but sleep today. I’ll try some sort of fasting next week, I’ll figure it out. Can’t afford to this week because I’m traveling for work, and I could put other people’s safety at risk if I’m physically depleted and not on my game (it’s filmmaking work, all manual labor and dangerous equipment).

I deleted the Bible app a few minutes ago. I think I’m gonna try to stay off Reddit for a while, focus on my screenwriting and getting my ducks in a row. I’m waiting to hear back from some jobs, including a nearby church’s filmmaking/video internship. I need the money. We’ll see where it goes.

I’m sorry for being a jerk myself when some of y’all were just trying to help me.

Take care and Go ‘Canes.