I’ve been in what some people would call a wilderness this summer. Emotionally and spiritually I’m so far gone that I’ve been just desperate for a way forward, in anything. A decent job, an opportunity to work in film like I want to, a romantic partner, an end to depression. A sign walking as a Christian is still worth it.

I’m trying to stay wary of distractions or things that are good to be true that are just scams or “demonic” attacks (like getting scammed out of money when I was looking for housing a few years ago). Today in car ride from church I was daydreaming about how if I was a dad I’d grab some of my old childhood action figures and play with my son. Then I got a text out of the blue from a gal I met on a church missions trip a few years ago. I had to fight myself from trying to jump to hyper-spiritual conclusions like God was talking to me or trying to set something up or whatever. The other day I got a call back from a job applied to, and heard details that would basically make taking that job a really dumb idea but I’m so tired of living at home in this postgrad season that I almost went ahead and went through with taking the job.

At this point I’m paranoid, it’s hard to trust anything good and things that are probably not good seem doubly enticing. Everything with God has just gone cold. The Bible pretty much reads like words on paper, it feels like I’ve heard every single sermon you could imagine, even the words of worship songs feel like slaps in the face. The songs I heard today called God a healer and a provider; and here I am, still carrying the wounds and scars (both physical and mental) I’ve suffered years ago, pursuing the career path I know I’m meant for, and less than $300 to my name with student loan payments expected starting November.

I still pray sometimes I don’t wake up in the morning.

EDIT: Reason I didn’t take the job; I found out their pay is incredibly low, the exact location of the job more than an hour away, and having to rely on Uber/Lyft every day to get there would be throwing out more than half the weekly paycheck just to get back and forth to work. I’m in a part of Florida with no public transportation whatsoever. I was already in a situation like that last summer, going to work but most of my monthly paycheck getting thrown to rent and transportation and barely being able to afford ground coffee let alone a light meal.