As the title says, I’m too far to even try healthy habits or disciplines. I believe everything about the Bible is real but I’ve lost all care for it.

My mind has essentially been: “Jesus died for my sins? So what?” “Apparently I’ll be in hell if I’m not saved? Geez I almost committed suicide, wonder how saved I actually am. Hell can’t be that bad.” “This commandment is ridiculous.” “Worship music is for weak people.”

Everything my dad or people or the Bible suggest I do I just don’t have the wherewithal to do. I feel betrayed and abandoned by God thanks to many a deferred hope and ignored prayer and I’d rather not get hopes up again just to have them dashed.

I’ve only been able to do tiny things. I read a verse before I go to sleep every night, however I haven’t done it regularly in a few weeks. I managed to skip watching porn a few nights this week. But the roots are still there.

Level upon level of bitterness that would take me ten pages or more to write about in their entirety.

As much as I’ve begged God, He has never been really connected to me. All that spiritual intimacy whatnot has never applied to me. The void I feel inside has only gotten worse and although I’ve begged and prayed for endless hours he didn’t do a thing.

All I know is numbing the pain with lust and anger. I can’t move to change that, it’s too painful for me. Please, before you spout all the verses about giving things to God and surrendering baggage and whatnot, been there, tried that, things only got worse.

Please pray for me. My name is Jeremiah. This Jeremiah needs to go away so the better one can show up. I can’t fight anymore, and I can see where all these roads lead.