I have violent thoughts a lot. Sometimes full on fantasies. Usually where I’m some sort of anti hero or vigilante and I’m committing really violent acts against people who deserve it (cough politicians cough).

I end up having the thoughts in passing throughout the day. I wonder what it’s like to shoot someone, or swing a sledgehammer into someone’s rib cage. Hang someone or tie them up and set them on fire.

When I was younger, and sometimes I still do, I’ll use the internet to watch gruesome videos. Sometimes I’d do it right after I watched porn, as some sort of attempt at of self-punishment for lusting, or even just looking for some new kind of rush.

Everything feels mundane and static in life. I want an adventure, some sort of risk or danger. I daydream a lot about being some sort of knight and laying waste to hundreds of bad guys and getting the hand of a princess as a reward.

I know my brain is corrupted. By a lot. I haven’t voluntarily watched horrific videos in months, closest I’ve come is the news constantly showing the barbaric acts related to the Israel stuff.

Sometimes I wouldn’t mind if the whole planet was scorched by fire. Whats the point of it all anymore

I need a way to fix my brain. God won’t do it. He hasn’t done it no matter how much I ask.