The past month or two everything has felt dead when it comes to God. A lot of things piled on, and I’ve reached a point with depression and addiction issues that I’ve given up trying to get better. I’ve given up repenting because I know I’ll do the same thing day after day after day because I can’t stop myself and I don’t want to stop anymore.

At some point I lost joy and anything outside of my interests/career passion/hobbies. Going to church feels like a task I have to drag my feet through. Bible reading feels like empty words on a page, and prayer is just saying words into a void.

It feels like I’m the one person God has stopped loving or caring about. I mean I get it, I stopped loving or caring about myself too.

I don’t want to be a Christian anymore. It feels like my brain is constantly split in two, battling with nihilism and sin every freaking second and I’m exhausted. I don’t have faith God is gonna cure my depression or remove my addiction anymore.

I’m tired of pretending or doing bare minimum things to try to fool my family that I still believe what they do, let alone other Christian friends. At this point I read Bible verses out of habit every night, maybe some sort of paranoia that something bad will happen if I don’t.

I would really like to not exist anymore. Least that way I could catch up on some sleep I’ve lost the past four years.