My grandmother, who lived with my family and I for the last two years, died a few weeks ago, and her funeral was last week. My dad doesn’t show it but I know it’s still pretty raw.

The funeral was during finals week, last week, legit two days before I graduated.

I didn’t want to go to the funeral. Not that I didn’t love my grandma, I really did, but I knew if I did, it would have thrown me off from focusing on being able to end finals strong and focus on graduating.

I will admit there’s a selfish part of me that didn’t want to have going back home to a funeral interrupt my last week with friends that I’ve to come to cherish, and celebrating huge accomplishments I’ve been able to pull off. It’s weird being home now because I can feel my grandma’s absence, and it feels like a glitch in the system, like at any second I’ll hear her sarcasm or her laugh or her commentary while watching a tv show.

When I got the call weeks ago she had a stroke and went to the hospital I had a gut feeling that would be it for her. In some ways I’m relieved I was right. She doesn’t have to suffer a ton of ailments anymore, my dad doesn’t have to constantly be in anxiety or panic or always taking her to the doctor every other week.

I’m of course sad and coming to terms with it on my own. But I haven’t cried once for her, like really cried, outside of the day I got the phone call she passed.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking it, or there’s been so much happening I’ve become emotionally numb the past few weeks.