This post, and specifically this part:

Problem #2: my name. It's my chosen name, which became my legal name 8 years ago.

I've commented before that I face more resistance to my name in queer spaces than in generic spaces. In generic spaces, e.g. a hobby-related meetup, people don't think twice about my name. If my full name is e.g. Dear Sig Nature, and I introduce myself as Dear, they call me Dear.

In queer spaces, introducing myself leads to a q&a. "Is that a new name you're trying out?" No, it's been my name for years. "Oh, we can help you find a new name!" No, thanks. This is my chosen name. "No worries! Just let us know when you're considering a new name and we'll try it out with you!" I wish they could just use the name I use for myself, without this back-and-forth.

[...] I considered Indian names! I just couldn't find an Indian unisex name from my family background that I otherwise liked and found pronounceable by Americans. I still have an Indian surname.

I discussed all this with my gender therapist. His opinion is basically that, when you share your personal history with others, you open yourself up to criticism and even backlash. He told me, "If you don't want to be criticized for your name change, don't talk about it." "If you don't want to be questioned and lectured, don't talk about this kind of thing."

OK, but people at these meetups ask me if it's my chosen name. How do I respond to that? "Just say, 'oh, I hate talking about that stuff', and change the subject."

My therapist also suggested I should bring a list of Indian names I considered, so just in case I'm confronted about my name change, I could pull out the list and "prove" that I'd considered Indian names. I pointed out that a list of Indian names pulled from my pocket wouldn't prove I'd seriously considered those names. Plus, I don't have a list of the other names I considered. I have some notes from my name change process, but I didn't write everything down.

Last week, I joined a virtual queer meetup. The first letter of my first name can also be a name on its own, think something like J -> Jay/Jae, so I put my Zoom name as e.g. Jae. I only got one question about it, and I said, "Oh, I'd rather not talk about that!" and the other person dropped it!

Success? So it seemed, until someone else in the meetup asked if anyone's been through the legal name change process in our state. The person seemed really dejected and discouraged; they really wanted to complete their legal name change this year, but thought the process was very onerous. When I changed my name 8 years ago, the legal name change process wasn't onerous even then, and it's since been streamlined. I wanted to encourage the person by telling them it's a straightforward process, but I'd already said "I'd rather not talk about that", so now I was stuck. Oh well.