This is my alt account also tw( mentions of sa and rape )

My parents don't believe I'm trans and my mom recently reminded me of that. And it's because of them specifically my mom that makes me not feel like im not trans anymore. Whenever she brings the subject up she says something like you never showed signs of being trans. Like I (27 amab) never asked for things like barbie dolls or other quote unquote girly things. Even though I like stuffed animals and preferred them (and still) over things like toy cars as a child. I still played with the toy cars. I think I wanted something like a girl toy once but was told to put it back by one of my parents.

Plus I grew up having to do "manly things" like doing oil changes on my vehicle. Or other car easy to do car maintenance. I didn't and still don't like doing that. Or anything else that gets me dirty.

I grew up in a stereotypical christian household and as far back as I can remember I spent almost half my childhood with my grandparents very homophobic and transphobic grandparents. My parents transfered me to a private school and at the same time held me back because they thought I wasn't "smart" enough to go into the third grade when they transfered me. And the private school was and is homophobic and transphobic.

I was always aware of my environment and alot of the social pressures put on me. And tried to suppress everything to "fit" in which is probably part of the reason why my mom doesn't think I'm trans. Plus I'm usually very introverted and don't like socializing not even to my own family. And they don't understand why I don't "get out there". Now adays that's very hard to do Because everyone my age is busy with life to properly make friends with. My parents don't understand that I'm content not being "social".

Side note they're for what ever reason are obsessed with the idea that I have to have sex to figure out my sexually and gender identity I kinda get the idea but it's totally erelavent and I have very little desire to sleep with others. I don't care that I'm single but my parents hate that I am. Though sometimes I do want to date so I can have some close companionship but I don't desire it enough to actively pursue it.

So yeah I don't know if I'm trans anymore. And am wondering if I'm really trans if I never asked for barbie dolls and the like. Or overtly showed signs. Then again my parents were and are neglectful and while they love and care about me also saw me as their golden child to make them look and feel like they were the perfect family and living the dream. So they never payed much attention to me. Like my dad would forget to feed me when I was a toddler and was left with just him. Later on my mom would do questionable things towards me. Like pinch my butt and on at least one occasion nearly rped me. Amongst other questionable things.

And my mom believes she always right and is intitled. She also finds it ok to mentally emotionally and psychologically manipulate and abuse me. And my older sister. I think she has bpd amongst other things. Like she told my sister and later on me that we could call the cops on her and they wouldn't believe my sister or me.

I can't afford to leave and I know I should move out asap and live in emergency housing but I'm afraid to do that because I'm afraid of adding to my stress and that doing so would make me struggle more than I already am.

This is probably a dumb idea but I'm planning on enlisting in the navy so I can get leave my ahole family and be able to afford to live on my own. And maybe eventually move to ireland.

Sorry for the long post just to say I don't know if I'm trans and don't know if I ever was trans anymore. Or to say I could be. Or belong to the trans community. Even though I get gender envy and am jealous of trans women.

Again sorry for the long post.