I started out in middle school feeling genuinely dysphoric and it got stronger throughout highschool. I got on testosterone at 17 and top surgery at 18. Both helped me feel better about my body and I still don’t regret either one. But I’ve stopped taking testosterone. Over the last year I’ve started accepting that I’m female. Not liking it but accepting it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really want to look like a grown man anymore.

I don’t know why I felt dysphoric so strongly that I’d get panic attacks over it only to now feel fine with my female body years later. I don’t hate my flat chest I actually prefer it same with my deeper voice. But as my mom said, I may just be a woman who prefers that instead of actually being a trans man.

Maybe I’m wrong and this will all change again and I’ll feel horrible without testosterone once the level lowers in my body. But until then I’m comfortable with where I’m at.

I’m trying to get used to a new feminine name but my masculine one became a part of who I am and it’s hard to let go of it still. I don’t mind being called he/him and she/her still feels off but I don’t think I should be calling myself a man anymore with how I view my body now.

De transitioning is a hard process both physically and mentally. I still hold transmedicalist beliefs and that’s part of why I’m detransitioning. It’s not right for me to call myself a transsexual anymore.