I realized I was trans at 13 but didn’t have the support I do now until I was 16. But from 14 and up I used the internet to get attention from older men as long as they’d call me by he/him, boy, prince, handsome, etc. I loved being able to just show my body and be called a young man while in the real world no matter how covered I was, I’d still get called a girl. It was tiring. But these men had their fetishes and it affected how I acted with them. I did whatever I could to get called by the pronouns I wanted because it made me genuinely feel like I was being seen as a guy. Remember, I was 14 and very naive and delusional and desperate.

Now I’m 19 and testosterone and top surgery has saved me from committing suicide over how painful estrogen and having female breasts made me feel. But here’s the thing, due to the grooming I don’t have as strong of dysphoria with my genitalia. Years upon years of deluding myself that I’m just as male as the others with my T-dick as the older men would call it.

Now that I’m medication for bi polar disorder and have stopped using the internet for attention from older men who just wanted to jerk off to me, I’ve been getting stronger dysphoria in my genitalia but not nearly enough for me to get bottom surgery because I’m still comfortable enough with how I am now. Ideally I would have a dick but the process of getting one the real way scares me. My dysphoria will probably get stronger as time goes on but right now it only happens at certain points of time when I have an episode of dysphoria from down there.

I feel conflicted because I don’t know if this excludes me from being an actual transsexual or if my past has altered me in a way that ruined my sense of my body and self forever. Maybe I’m just transgender but with how that is seen from this community I’d hate to be apart of that group. I just don’t know anymore.