Some random thoughts that maybe out of order, incomplete, and incoherent.

Long rant, some back story, will eventually get to the point.

Between the mid 90's and '06 I had spent a lot of time refusing to acknowledge that I like men, yet continued during that time to enjoy pictures of men, that issue had been resolved for a long time now so I'll keep it brief.

I've began to deal with trans issues since '09 when mom's boyfriend died, never before did I have to deal with the prospect that I could be trans. After he passed away I had to think about my life and how it sucked. At the time I was overly fearful of what people think about me in all aspects of my life. As time progressed and I started breaking down mental blocks (don't be myself (vague and ambiguous i know), If i act this way, ... that way, etc) I started to wear what I wanted (society calls it cross dressing but I can't) and felt better about myself to go back to college as time progressed an age old probem of my weight went back to the forefront of my thoughts again. I started losing weight, and now my problem is I feel better about myself but as I see a better looking male looking back at me in the mirror the issue of presentation to "look right" is far from what i want to be. I had always attributed my self hatred to my weight but I've lost a lot of weight and now it seems to have intensified. I like that I've lost the weight but but.... sorry starting to repeat myself.

Anyways when in college started to wear some things that are classified as women's clothes and no negative responses from people so I started fearing people's reactions less, and started to be my self, but no amount of "cross dressing" would be enough to satisfy my mental state. Using "the tip of the ice burg" (visual representation) I would like to present as a normal female. As I get closer with clothing it does help but at the same time it doesn't.

As for my voice sounds like s***. Not even going there.

I started showing interest in female clothing when mom's around and has been supportive. Mom has hated most everything female presentation for her self, and she wishes she were born a man. Which has created a whole different set of issues boils down to "Am I thinking I'm trans because of my mom or...." and I've spent several years self reflecting and separating is it because of mom or is this line of thought based completely on my own thoughts. After several months I've come to the conclusion that these are my own thoughts and not based on anything mom has said about herself. Mom has been supportive about my self representation and in turn her acceptance has lowered my general fear of peoples responses of me.

I don't really want do spend another decade trying to figure this stuff out, and need make the next step (what ever that may be). I know that I would like to present as female and have little appreciation for my male looks and voice, I suspect someone will bring this topic up too so... genitalia have a neutral view on it, don't love it, don't hate it, it's just there, like an eyelid, it serves a purpose and that's it.

At this point in time I'm progressing towards my goal of getting to be female which has pushed the age old issue of weight to where I can finally lose it. Have my hair in what ever style I want and not worry about peoples opinion, same applies to how I dress. I even have "hunted down" a therapist online that deals specifically these issues. but every time i get to a point where I'm ready to make the first contact I fear "I'm not trans enough" and fear that I'll be stuck as male. Then repeat ad infinitum. The more I put it off the more issues keep coming up and know at some point somethings going to break. Which things started breaking back in '09. Only since '13 has my mind not been on full mental lock down, that I can finally explore the whole issue of "who am I?"

If I'm not making sense just ask away.

I hate long rants too so here's the tldr.

TL;DR: I know I'm trans but have mental block as to just go and see a dang therapist. How did you get over similar mental blocks?